From His Arms to Yours (4)

By Emmeline Bisiikwa, Uganda:

I think love is crazy and people in love are one step away from the loony bin. Being in love with you was like a roller-coaster from the nearest sanatorium. Each day was like an escape through a different route.

Anytime someone asks me the craziest thing I have done for love, I have to sift through tens or hundreds of stuff I did for you.

I remember the time you went through my phone and found messages of me sexting with another guy. It didn’t matter to you that he was in another country or continent. You were outraged that I was texting him how much I wanted to feel his arms around me and while sitting in your car.

I think that moment was the beginning of the end, even if I didn’t see it then. I told you those messages were from before we were officially a couple but that didn’t matter to you. All you could see was me thinking about someone else and you never believed that nothing happened between us.

I should have seen the signs. You stormed out of my apartment and wouldn’t take my calls or respond to my messages. Finally, I decided to buy you guilt gifts so you would forgive me. I got you a wallet and ring and all you could say was ok. You kept quiet some more and then when I felt like it was the end, you decided to see me.

I felt lucky that you forgave me, in hindsight that was probably your aim all along. The weeks following that incident were spent with me walking on shells and you acting out. I wasn’t allowed to get angry since you were giving me a second chance.

I had to watch you go on late dates with friends and not say anything even if I felt uncomfortable. I had to put up with terse communication from you and even worse, carry the guilt that I had hurt you. You milked it for what it was worth and I tried fixing us every way I knew how.

Every once in a while months later, you brought it up how I had betrayed your trust. It took us many months to repair that damage but in all that time you did stuff to hurt me and I did stuff to hurt you back. The retaliation didn’t help us any because everything was us trying to get even and it never was enough.

We hurt each other, even as we healed each other and the pain became a constant reminder for each of us because all we had to do was look at each other or spend time together and then we would be reminded of everything we had done or given up to be together. What drew us together was the same thing tearing us part.