From His Arms to Yours (2)

By Emmeline Bisiikwa, Uganda:

I expected it to be about a week before you asked to see me again, instead it was three days. In that time, we had been texting constantly and you told me you missed me every day. I didn’t spare your girlfriend another thought that second time when we cuddled and talked and kissed. I asked you, “Are you seeing someone?”

You responded, “Yes.”

Multiple thoughts went through my head at that. Clearly, I was just a conquest to you, after all you were seeing someone. You held me and we talked and I forced her from my thoughts. Those were the sweetest kisses and the tenderest touches as you held my face and I felt so desired. I reluctantly left and even though I wasn’t sure where it was going or what you wanted, two days later I texted you, I am ready.

You were excited and asked to see me the next day. I happily agreed and came to see you, nervous as a virgin. The weight of expectations I had was hanging on my shoulders even as I felt that there couldn’t be more between us. That day, your kisses were tinged with the promise of more. I was excited to experience all of you. You touched and kissed me tenderly and my heart ached at the thought that this might be the only time I feel your touch. Because of our nervousness, we failed to go all the way.

I left and we talked and agreed to try again, anyway. The next time went better and soon, making love with you was my favorite pastime. We had the unspoken rule that we wouldn’t speak about our partners and for the most part we didn’t, except the odd outburst of jealousy.

“Where is this going?” I asked one time. “I don’t know, but I can’t get enough of you,” you answered. I held on to that and ignored the voice in my head that kept saying I needed more from you. Deep down I knew more wasn’t yours to give. I simply ignored the stab of pain I felt every time you were with her and also laughed it off when you asked if I had been with him.

Many months later, it was obvious to both of us it wasn’t just a fling. “Do you love me or her more?” I asked. “I dunno.” You said. That answer broke my heart and that was when I admitted to myself I couldn’t settle for second best.” I wanted all your love, all your attention, the whole package. I wanted to call you boyfriend and be your girlfriend.

I think I know that day the tide turned for you. You asked me to come see you and I said I had to see him. You weren’t happy, but you said, “ok”. Being with him that day was awkward, I felt like I was cheating on me but kept reminding myself you were taken and you knew that I wasn’t really yours. When I came to see you, you asked me, “Did you sleep with him?” I Debated lying to you but eventually I was like , “Yeah.”

That evening, you made love to me with a ferociousness, almost as if you were trying to brand me with the feel of you so I wouldn’t ever want another man.