African men and Love

By Ben Mwine

I recently had a strong argument with a friend of mine who said that African men, and in particular Bakiga/Banyankole men are very unromantic and don't know much about love.  The main basis for Jane's argument was that they never tell their kids/spouses that they love them.

If you have watched any of the numerous American family Sitcoms that grace our TV's, you've probably noticed how before the husband leaves for work he kisses his wife and tells her how much he loves her. In fact if he doesn't, it's almost criminal.

Obviously as Jane pointed out the situation is nowhere near the same here in Africa. I know of a man whose wife complained that he never told her that he loved her. His response? Didn't I marry you!? His argument was that her had chosen her from among many others and in his wedding vows he promised to love and to cherish her, so as far as he was concerned he has done that and it should be testament of his love. Needless to say I don't agree at all with his philosophy and strongly believe that one of the strongest love languages is affirmation which is vital for a healthy relationship.

That said however, I can't help but ask this question, do we (and especially women) give too much prominence to the affirmation and lose sight of more important things like say, Love itself? To set forth my argument, I decided to study the greatest authority on love, God. The bible (which is the ultimate authority on every single faucet of life) provides some rather interesting insight into this matter.

Did you know for example that nowhere, and I mean nowhere in the bible does God say he loves you!?

No, I'm not blaspheming, hear me out now. Here are some of the famous verses referring to love:-

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Husbands love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Ephesians 5:25

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. John 15:0

This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. 1John 4:10

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16

Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life. Isaiah 43:4

Love as we all know is verb, it's a doing word and not a saying word. For example Ladies, which would you rather have, a man who tells you he loves you all the time, but is all talk, or a man who shows his love by his actions? And therein lays the gist of my argument; while it is healthy for you to tell someone you love them, your actions speak a lot louder than words.

How does God tell us he loves us? Strictly through a demonstration of his love.

‘'….God so loved, that he gave….”, “because I love you, I will….”  “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself….''. I will again re-assert that nowhere in the entire bible does God say even once that he loves you; he simply demonstrates his love for us.

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

Yet unfortunately a lot of people measure their partners love for them based on how much they use those three little words.

I come from an African culture where the men are not known to be the most romantic, and that is putting it very mildly. Yet I can recount endless stories of women who probably never get told they are loved but are actually happy with their men simply because of the way men treat them. And while it is true that the majority of the men in the older generation have let us down with their infidelity and absenteeism fatherhood, quite a good number of them have turned out to be good husbands and fathers, using actions rather than words.

I remember once as a teenager feeling bad that my father never told me that he loved me and because I knew it wasn't a good idea to say this to his face, I brought it up with my mom. (A story is told of a famous Ugandan soldier-cum-politician whose son complained that he never told him that he loved him and their relationship could be better. He retorted that he wasn't his girlfriend!)

My mom sat me down and took me through a list of the things my dad had sacrificed for the sake of his family and kids, and taught me a clear lesson about love through actions. I had never really appreciated all that my dad was doing for his family and I guess my judgment had been clouded by watching too much Club 227. I still don't recall my dad ever telling me he loves me, or the other way round for that matter, but from that one chat with my mom, I have come to build a great relationship with my dad, and can confidently say I know that he loves me.

So next time you're complaining that your spouse/significant other doesn't tell you they love you, look a little deeper for you might find that they actually are. Banyankole/Bakiga/African men might know a little more about love than we give them credit for after all.