Freelance Lover

By Ayanda Xaba, South Africa

Often times you wonder why people are so crazy about love. You wonder why they pretend like love is the best gift God gave to men when they know it’s not true. You know that very well. You are well into your third decade of life and you can’t get over how people your age still dream of a perfect love that does not exist. You feel sorry for them. You know you can’t laugh at their misfortune because they consider these feelings uncontrollable. But you question; when do you ever gain control over your own feelings then? Does the mind not work at all? This always makes you think of your own journey in love.

It all started when you were a teenager. You had friends in both camps – the males and the females. This is how you gained inside information on both of them. It amazed you how the males were all about physical attractions while the females were crazy over emotions. The males were explaining to you how sexy your friend’s legs were and why they found them sexy. The females were telling you how you could never get over your first love and how they cry at night over this first love. It all sounded ridiculous to you. But you got curious anyway. You wondered if you would be emotionally or physically attracted to your first love. You wondered too what qualifies a person to be called your ‘first love’. Surely all those flings you had did not count, you knew that wasn’t love. It scared you, however, that the first love would make you cry every night after taking your virginity. And worst of all; you would not be able to get over him – this seriously worried you. Your virginity breaker didn’t have that effect so you felt safe. He clearly wasn’t your first love. This made you understand that love isn’t necessarily sex – despite what those stupid boys believed.

Your second decade in life saw you falling in love. You finally knew what they meant about the mixed emotions that the first love brings. You both enjoyed and hated it. Hate won. You left. You had a couple of more flings where you perfected your ‘no strings attached’ kind of love. This was all good and well until you met the next love. That one hit you hard. The worse part is that you really wasn’t expecting it. That boy taught you that one could lose all senses in love. You cried every night. You fought. You loved. Finally, you knew what other females meant. They congratulated you for finally giving real love a chance. Real love. This didn’t sit well with you. Why was real love so painful? ‘Love is kind’ ‘Love is forgiving’ – that’s what they preach. Why do they preach lies? You tried to be normal and stay in the relationship. After some years you realized what madness it all was. You left. That love had you bad. You cried long even after you left. But you didn’ t mind those tears, you called it detoxing.

You took a long break from relationships. You wanted to find yourself again because that’s what love does to you – it makes you lose yourself while trying to impress another person. It angered you why society accepts that the woman should do everything to make the relationship work. Why is it acceptable for a man to mess up? Why is the woman expected to pick up his slack? Don’t they get tired? You think it’s very tiring. Being out of a relationship made you see things clearly. You had all the time to look at the relationships around you as well. ‘It’s all nonsense’ you concluded. You knew you weren’t cut out for this love thing. But you still hated how men seem to be winning regardless. The time away from relationships made you realize all the abuse women endured in the name of love. It made you sick watching how society protected men and persecuted women for things that men do. Rape victims are told to dress better. Abused partners are told to submit more. Females are removed their sexual organs so they can be wives material.  Some are covered like vases in a box so that men won’t see them and get attracted. Because men have no self control right? A couple does not have children, the woman takes the blame even when everyone knows that it is most likely to be the man that is infertile. They made it a culture for women to go sleeping with other men to have children just so the infertile man can be protected. Women are killed by their partners and the advice given to the remaining women is to see and avoid these types of men. Why isn’t anyone telling men to stop? Women should endure all this just for love? You think not.

You took some time to evaluate love as a profession. It does look like a full time job to you. A job with no rewards, it seems to you. You thought about how you prefer contracted killers to boyfriends. They get paid and move on to the next job. What do men get by bringing so much pain to people they claim to love? This can’t be just for the physical needs, you can’t agree to that. But what if it is, you wonder. What if men really don’t care about the other’s feelings because they only want to satisfy their physical needs? Rape. To continue the act when the other person is crying and begging for mercy… You also realised that kind love does exist. The love parents give to children, and the love shared amongst true friends. You conclude that you cannot love a man. They do not deserve your love. This also brings you an idea. What if your love could be contracted like that paid killer? What if you don’t commit to love like those working for it full time? You decide to be a freelance lover. You might as well take what life offers to suit your own needs. You have mastered the ‘no strings attached’ thing so this profession suits you very well. You sit comfortably on your couch with your book and a glass of wine. You raise the glass and toast to your new profession. May many more realise it!