NON FIRST DATE (6)

By Emmeline Bisiikwa, Uganda

There’s a thin line between following our instincts and over reacting. In a relationship, the difference between the two often drives couples apart. My instincts started acting up when I realized you were more distant than usual. The frequent calls and messages had trickled to a once a week or twice if we were lucky.

The bi weekly meetings didn’t happen for a week, two, a month, two months and I was still holding on to the hope that you were busy but after that, we would get back our easy camaraderie and intimacy. A few cancelled meetings and promises to meet later, it occurred to me that maybe my instincts were right and really I was not your priority.

I had made enough excuses for you but finally I admitted I wasn’t paranoid, something was seriously wrong. I was so used to the idea of working hard for a relationship to work that it never occurred to me to give up. I would rather fight and claw my way to resolving issues until I was convinced they were unresolvable. This time round, attempts to talk and figure out the issue landed me vague responses like busy.

In conversation with my friend, she revealed that if someone cared for you, they would make the time. No one was too busy to set aside a few minutes to meet or better yet the time to call or text. I guess I already knew that, just wasn’t ready to admit this relationship I had fought against, and then gracefully given into was already over.

Was I holding on to this out of pride or the desire to at least try? What was I really getting out of this? I realized no amount of battering will get rid of a wall willingly constructed to keep a person out. Sure I had been with you and shared a bed but that was the extent of me understanding you. I had no idea what you really wanted out of this.

I had to give up on my plans and ideas for us, because inevitably you did not have the plans for us that I hoped and longed for.

Instead, you were ready to throw away everything or postpone it until such a time when it suited you. That wasn’t the kind of man I wanted nor could I settle for that. I would rather be alone than lie awake at night wondering what went wrong and why you stopped communicating the way you used to.

I ranted and raved and then walked away. Maybe someday you will realize that you pushed me away until I had no choice but to give up on us. Until then, I shall remember the first date and every date after that. they truly were my most exciting part of this as each one fanned the flame of our love higher.