From His Arms to Yours (5)

By Emmeline Bisiikwa, Uganda:

I haven’t felt love like yours or screwed up as badly as I did with you in all my relationships. Your love consumed me in ways I have never felt before or even after. I yearned for you every day even if I spent all day with you. You broke my heart and yet I only felt happy and alive with you.

My days were spent waiting to talk to you and see you and that was the highlight of my weeks. I lived moment to moment waiting for the next time you made me come alive. I came to believe that what we had was special and all I could see was tomorrow, and many tomorrows to come.

Some more time went by and our issues seemed to fade. We made up easier and we understood each other better. My emotions see sawed from happiness to pain, sadness to joy, insecurity to content and then depressed. I isolated myself from friends and family, because I knew they wouldn’t encourage us especially if I told them some of the ways you hurt me.

But here’s the thing, however bad things got I never wanted things to end nor did I give up on you. Ours went beyond the usual girl loves boy, it was more a mind deep connection where I just knew you felt this way too. I never gave up wanting us because somehow, I was conditioned to be with you. I convinced myself that all relationships held their share of difficulties and if we loved each other, we would get through it.

The late nights screaming at each other and fighting that usually resulted in one of us leaving the house. Usually, the other followed and begged until we both returned home. We lay in bed and cuddled and talked, sometimes cried until we were good. Somehow, that cemented our relationship even more.

I don’t remember how the idea to elope came up but we decided we had to get married that day. You went to find out what court required from us and I stayed home getting ready. I went to the salon to do my hair and wore a blue flimsy dress that made me look pretty and fresh. I imagined that would be the first wedding, and later when we were ready for people we could have the big one. Married at 21 isn’t something all parents want to hear. Eventually, you returned with the news we needed to wait a notice period of about 21 days. This put off our wedding.

The month after that was the worst. I kept doubting your love and thinking you hadn’t cared enough even then. Our previous issues all turned into insurmountable challenges until I just couldn’t take it anymore. It was as if I was drowning and falling, I felt so lost. Finding out you might be seeing someone else was my final straw. I just didn’t want to fight for someone who wasn’t fighting for me. That fight was the start of our separation, and failure to make up every time we met after that.

Eventually I got the courage to walk away and although that hurt, I felt relieved to not be married to someone I couldn’t trust.