Paper and Ink: Interconnectedness (4)
I am not going to pretend to be unaffected by the break up. Sure it hurt. I had our whole future mapped out and when it all fell apart I was disappointed and shocked. The past few months I have been moving in a haze existing and yet nothing has been real. I am a little numb from the intensity of what has happened to me. I am taking it in my stride and coping because I don’t have much option. I have to move on, to keep on keeping on. I am not sad, mostly because I kind of expected the other shoe to drop.
Call me a pessimist but when you didn’t do any of the things you promised to, a part of me died one day at a time and the remaining part was half waiting for all this to be unreal. Walking away was one of the hardest choices I have made. I remember that phone call where you called and told me everything you hated and loved about me, and I couldn’t stop crying.
I cried for the moment when I fell in love with you and knew I had finally met someone that would be my everything. I cried because it hurt so much that you would never be my everything. I cried as the moments I spent in your arms and in your company crushed me under the bitter remembrance, this really was over. I cried to forget how much I loved you and to drown out the voice telling me that maybe it was a mistake and I should come back to you. Every word that fell from your lips broke me into pieces because how could you love me yet you never gave me your all?
I fell apart under the assault of love and hate and the mixed emotions that besieged me on realizing this was it, the last time I would hear that you loved me. The last time I would say I love you too. The last time I would listen to your voice and miss you because you had that effect on me, I always wanted to be around you. I cried and couldn’t breathe, my chest hurt and my soul wept. My spirit was crushed, I guess that is what you feel when you lose the one you love. But the tears released the ball of pent up agony I didn’t even realize I felt, the pain of knowing you didn’t love me enough to give me everything. I was relieved that you would never take me for granted ever again, never turn off your phone because I had annoyed you, never stand me up again or keep me waiting.
The happiness in the days to follow was nothing to do with not being heartbroken, but everything to do with knowing I had nothing to lose. You kept me locked up like a prisoner and withheld from me your affection, time and your best.
The freedom that comes from knowing I do not need anyone’s permission to make me happy and that my life belongs to me and me alone is something I have missed for a while. I could not imagine the simple joy of leaving office early to go home sleep, the pleasure I find in doing things that I used to love in no haste because the day and night is mine to do with as I please.
No excuses to listen to, no compromise, nothing that makes me do any less or more than I want to. I can simply luxuriate in my life and enjoy taking new breaths and steps one day at a time.