Paper and Ink: Interconnectedness (3)
Sorry isn't sorry. Just because you say sorry now doesn't wipe away all the tears I cried in trying to fix us. Just because you lost me now doesn't mean you should finally remember that this was all roses once and something you thought you wanted.
Sorry could be the hardest word or the easiest. Sometimes it fell from your lips like dew drops yet the look in your eyes showed you really weren't sorry. It was your gag for when you didn't want to hear any more about what you had done and weren't willing to say what would change.
All the sorrys in the world couldn't prepare me for the pain of realizing this was yet another dream and we would never be together. It hurt to wait and hope and pray yet the truth was we were just treading water.
The one thing you can't prepare for, how ever much you try is a break up. Each time hurts like a giant vise squeezing the air out of your chest. It's hard, and painful and unending. A long stream of unending hopelessness that has no end in sight.
This time, the pain took a little longer to set in, maybe because I had prepared mentally having seen the endless spiral. Am sorry, let's talk. Let's work things out and a series of excuses for why things hadn't worked today but would work tomorrow.
I didn't want a sorry attached with excuses. Instead I needed sorry that meant this won’t happen again. Sorry I hurt you. Sorry I wasn't there when you needed me. Sorry I wasn't understanding. Sorry I let you down. Sorry I led you on. Sorry that I hurt you. Just sorry.
Instead I got sorry, but. Sorry , but you ask for too much. Sorry, but you aren't enough. Sorry, but maybe you need a life so you don't expect me to complete yours. You may not have said some of these buts aloud but I felt them when you ignored me, shut me out, were mean and even when you turned your back.
The worst part was the day we met up to talk and you walked away. Then called sometime after to say you had gone to the restaurant next door to order something for me to eat. But you didn't say anything; you just walked away and left me thinking you left. I find that narcissistic that you could knowingly put me in pain just to prove a point.
I guess the sum of the little sorrys you didn't mean and had no intention of keeping were my breaking point and made me realize there was no love left on that end. Love shouldn't be an excuse for sorry, in fact it should have only been a one-time word.
I guess it is my fault too for not walking away the first time you showed me a side of you that was terrifying. That side came out other times and I chalked it down to sometimes but I think that was the real you and I just missed it the whole time.