They say love is the one emotion, the one part of us that we control entirely.
While we can't control who we love; it just happens. We can control the amount of love and soul we give to others. Well, I thought I could control how much I was falling for my crush. I found myself texting back, worrying over delays, checking to see if he was online and getting crushed when he didn't reply.
It made a mockery of my recent decision to not fall for anyone because I didn't want to be hurt.
The doctor, after talking for a while, invited me to a party at his place. I searched for some friends to go with but everyone seemed busy that day. Eventually, after second guessing myself I decided to go alone. His directions led me right to his gate, where he waited for me. The hug was personal, and I walked into a room of people I didn't know.
Usually I am not a people person, but I made an effort to be less antisocial than usual, so that I could fit in. He kept checking on me and I read into it thinking he definitely liked me. We played a silly drinking game and somehow were the last two people remaining at the party. Well at least he took good care of me.
We shared a brief kiss, and suddenly he remembered that he wasn't exactly available. Truth is I was crushed. I did feel the connection, the bond between us. Even worse, he kept letting me in. I saw the demons I am sure he tried so hard to hide. He was honest, that he isn't good for me and didn't want to hurt me. This reverse psychology business is a tragedy; see I know he is bad for me but still I wanted him. Somehow I had to adapt to the fact that we were just going to be friends.
Flash forward to my party, he came by and I got him seriously drunk. I wasn't any more sober, truth be told. Again we talked, and again he told me he couldn't just use me cause he did genuinely like me. We held hands and stared at the stars and I lived in the moment.
That is the beauty of human beings. We were given the ability to love endlessly without question. We were given the power to give others a part of our heart. But also, we have the power to choose not to love, to protect ourselves from hurt so easily wrought.
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