Confessions of A Social Pariah: The Dangers of Browsing History
A discussion on why you should never open a Cyclists Toiletry Bag, Browsing History and guess who is Champ at Tattle Tailing.
I always clear my internet history.
Don't be silly, unlike convention would have it, this is not because I was surfing the web for motivating images. I clean my browsing history because my surfing choices are so random they raise suspicion even to me. I have also been informed that the Po-Po go through people's browsing histories to ensure that they aren't a threat to national security.
So with this platform I plead innocence and hopefully avert an embarrassing situation where I make it to the front page of the Daily Sun with my name printed in bold, accompanied of course by the obligatory catchy headline and an exclamation mark at the end.
I am an internet surfing addict. I spend insane amounts of time just surfing on random things and as we all know, randomness almost always translates to weird. Just this other day I was reading about this Chinese guy who was caught smuggling heroin hidden in his foreskin. I don't know how it came about that I clicked on the link but hey, there I was reading about the intricacies of genital contraband.
Now I don't have anything against Chinese people, heck I still long for another Rush Hour movie but that article was just disturbing.
Similarly just some time ago I was busy reading about the dangers of unhygienic padding found in dirty cycling shorts, fascinating subject by the way. Did you know that cyclists lube their rears and in-between their butt-cheeks before cycling? I swear I'm not making this up.
The people you see clad in very restrictive and revealing clothing go through great strides to ensure that they are as comfortable as possible while wheel all over the place.
One of my favourite movies is the movie Inception directed by Christopher Nolan, starring Leonardo DiCaprio. The movie is brilliant. It messes with person's attention span and train of thought – I like that. So naturally after watching it for the first time I researched more about the movie to read.
I have also just finished reading a book by Rob Jolles called How To Change Minds, the Art of Influence Without Manipulation. To me both these mind expanding items seem like great tools to learn more about the world around me, but to others this might not ring true.
Where am I going with this you might ask? Well let's put the genital fiend, bike padding composition, Inception and How to Change Minds together. Not only does this now seem like a great plot to a brilliant movie, but to someone who might be interested in my surfing habits not only am I now looking a major weirdo, I also come across as criminal mastermind in planning some serious illegal activity.
For all they know I could be attempting to use mind altering tools, bike short padding and deceptiveness to smuggle drugs destined for South Africa in some Chinese guy's genitals. Not only is this too advanced for my nonexistent criminal life, it is also the furthest thing to even a hypothetical possibility.
I am a big coward, the biggest. Ask any of my friends and they will tell you. My quests in tattle tailing go back to my days in Primary School when I ratted on one of my friends for taking one too many peanut butter sandwiches from the school's feeding scheme. Even though it was I who informed him about the opportunity, it was his sticky hands that saw to the culmination of questions regarding the whereabouts of the sandwich.
So before our crime prevention units get over zealous and attack me using tools bought with my tax money, let me clear the Mokoena name. I wasn't surfing on 'how to kill a man in 3 moves' I was merely reading up on Self-defence.