By Tashinga Wazara, Zimbabwe:
We had gone out for dinner. She had been happy and chatty as usual. She loved me. A LOT. I loved her too but I think it was mostly because she loved me. At some point during the dinner I looked at her and almost out of nowhere I just thought, 'I don't want to spend the rest of my life with her'. It was a random thought, one that took me by surprise but also, one that stuck.
When we got to her apartment I walked her to her door. She tried to kiss me goodbye and I kind of kissed her back but not really.
She felt it and with a puzzled look on her face said, 'Woah what's up with that?' I shook my head and said, 'I don't know what you're talking about Pam'.
She then held my hand and said, 'No Mister. I'm not gonna let you go that easy.' I pushed her away and said, 'Okay… fine. Pam, I don't think this is going to work'.
She was silent for a few moments as she let what I had said sink in. 'What? No Tash, no. Just like that? You're going to break up with me just like that? What did I do?' she said, searching for answers. I sighed and said, 'Pam I just don't think that you and I have anything tangible long term'.
It was a statement that I had used a few times before. It was my get out of jail free card. I would usually get one of two responses from that statement. The first response I usually got was, 'What do you mean 'tangible'?' to which I would say, 'I just don't think we have enough in common to sustain our relationship. I'm not happy'. It would usually go downhill from there. The second response I would get was, 'Are you saying I'm not good enough for you?' to which I would respond, 'What? No ways! I'm just saying that we're not a perfect match and I'm looking for a perfect match'. It was a stupid response, but that was the point. I would then play the 'guy who is looking for a perfect girl' card and I would always get the 'Well, good luck finding that!' response but at least she'd be gone.
The statement didn't work on Pam though. She'd known me too long. She knew all my demons. Well, she knew one of my demons, and she called it out immediately. 'Is it because of Sammy?' she screamed. 'Are you honestly breaking up with me because I'm not like the stupid girl you broke up with three years ago? Can you not see that she's moved on?!' she continued. 'Oh my gosh! You are so stupid Tashinga! How long will you carry on like this? When will it sink in your thick skull that she's gone? I don't believe this!'
At this point her shock and hurt had turned into anger. She was shaking. Every word she said was true and her words were like a dagger in my heart. Earlier when I said that I got a thought in my mind out of nowhere that said, 'I don't want to spend the rest of my life with her' I lied. I left something out. The real thought I had was 'I don't want to spend the rest of my life with her, I want to spend the rest of my life with Sammy!'
Pam was now going crazy in front of her apartment. I feared she would get violent. I was relieved when finally she said, 'You know what? You can go! Go! Go and spend the rest of your pathetic life dreaming about Sammy! She'll never be yours! I'm done! I don't deserve this!' and she got into her house and banged the door behind her. Usually, over the past three years, after I broke up with a girl I would be happy, but not this time. I thought I didn't love Pam but weirdly it took me breaking up with her to realise that I actually did. I didn't want to lose her. She was an amazing woman, beautiful, smart, and funny and always the life of the party which was probably what I liked the most about her. She was the proverbial dream girl, except that in my dreams I saw Sammy. The only problem was that Sammy had already moved on and according to her Facebook pictures, she was very happy.
As I drove home, Pam's words kept replaying in my mind. 'Can you not see that she's moved on?' 'She'll never be yours'. The more those words kept replaying in my mind, the more uneasy I got. Was she right? Was I holding onto a dream that ultimately would never come true? If I was, then I was the biggest idiot in the world, with arguably the thickest skull in the world. But then again, if she ever took me back, if she ever gave me another chance, it would be the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. It would make me the happiest person in the world. The only problem was that I was too scared to go and tell her that I still loved her because I feared she would tell me I was mad and that I should leave her alone because there was no way in hell she was ever getting back with me. It's twisted, I know, because you'd think that love is about bravery and taking chances; but for me, love was about calculation and never losing. Going after her would have risked losing and if I lost I didn't know if I would ever recover. Plus she was in a relationship and I'm not a home wrecker.
As I thought more about my Sammy situation and how it had just made me ruin another relationship, I decided that I couldn't carry on like this. How long would I carry on holding on to Sammy? When would I ever be free from her clutches? The only way I could answer these questions was if I did the thing I had feared for the past three years. I had to go and see Sammy and tell her how I felt. I had to stop the bleeding. Whatever she would say to me, I would accept it and move on with my life. I just had to do it.
The next day, I got up early in the morning and went for a jog, clearing my mind and getting ready for my big move. Afterwards I had a shower and tried to eat but my stomach was in knots, I was too nervous. So I just took a few bites of a banana and I went to Sammy's house. I knew where she lived because I'm the one that helped her find that apartment when we were still dating and she'd never moved. I got there, my heart in my mouth and I stood at the door for a few moments composing myself before I knocked. I was so nervous my palms were now sweaty.
I knocked on the door and heard a voice say, 'Just a minute, I'm coming!' It was Sammy. At this point I had half a mind to turn round and make a run for it but I had come too far and I needed to do this. She came and opened the door and as soon as she saw me she exclaimed, 'Tash! What are you doing here?' I looked at her and she looked different. She looked bigger; not the fat kind of big but just bigger. I then looked at her more closely and noticed her bulging stomach. My heart sank. Sammy was pregnant.
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