By Emmeline Bisiikwa, Uganda:
It takes considering oneself to break free. It takes a daring, hard look at one self to attempt freedom.
She was drowning in her own fears. Sinking, seemingly tied down by the weight of her regrets and loneliness. How was it possible to feel alone when in a romantic relationship someone? Wasn’t it all about companionship and having someone to lie down next to in the night?
Why was she increasingly spending nights alone, days waiting for the night, weekends hoping for a special time together? Where did time go when one had nothing but minutes ticking into days, waiting to see her partner? The worst part is even when they were together she still felt alone.
The pain leeched her hopes and turned them into nightmares. It hurt to think about a future that was increasingly unsure. Hurt to breathe because her chest was crushed by living each day worse than the last.
When would it stop?
It wasn’t sudden, the urge to stop the pain. It was something she had forgotten. She was lulled into the easy way that didn’t involve tough decisions. It was better to pretend talking once a month was normal, than to confront him and ask him to change.
A part of her was afraid he wouldn’t be willing to choose her. Her worst fears were realized when she spoke with him. He callously told her he wouldn’t abandon everything just to spend more time with her. He was so unwilling to compromise that it hit her he really didn’t care. She was a useless accessory.
The decision to move on had been swirling in her mind for a while, for years maybe. She hadn’t realized she was halfway out until he held her and all she wanted was for him to leave.
It wasn’t an earth shattering decision, to care for herself. She heard it from everyone else. She had wrongly thought that she needed a man to make her feel loved and special. All it did was break her heart and breaking the pieces too.
The resolve to do better, to save herself was all that kept her sane. You can’t live when you don’t feel alive. She just knew that somehow if she didn’t stop permitting the hell then she would be lost.
This was her only chance to start over. A new career, new life, she had everything lined up looking like a second shot at everything she believed in. This wasn’t running away, it was starting over.
For the first time, she was looking forward to something. It was only right that she take her life and make decisions that would build her, not tear her down.
2,816 total views, 1 views today