Paper and Ink, Series

Paper and Ink: Femme Aimee (56)

By Emmeline Bisiikwa, Uganda:

It's funny to think that something good can come out of something as horrific as a heart break. When we broke up for real after two years of dating my whole world seemed to come to a standstill. I had no idea how to deal with your absence. I had got used to talking to you about the minute details of my life and my hopes, worries, and expectations. I didn't only lose a boyfriend I thought I was going to marry, I lost a friend.

Waking up each day was like being sucker punched by the void of your absence. It knackered me and left me close to tears for many months, after which it still throbbed like a sore wound that remains even after the event. Was this love? Would I survive? How could I live without me? All these are questions that pushed me to the limits of my sanity. I had no idea how to crawl out of the pit I was in because I didn't have you.

I learnt to distract myself from the big image of you in my every thought. I found a way to go longer without craving you, I figured out techniques to forget you temporarily. Still, sometimes like a junkie deprived too long I fell into a spiral and couldn't stop myself from looking at your display picture. The times it was your new girlfriend, it felt like my heart was being ripped out of me. Gosh I mourned for you.

Losing you forced me to look at myself. Who was I? What had I done to the idealistic girl that wanted her own love story? I grew into someone stronger that isn't so quick to feel.

Every time we have tried to salvage a friendship after our numerous break ups, we ended up together again, and hurting each other even more. This time was the longest we have gone minus seeing each other and falling into our spiral.

This time round, I wanted a healthy way to get over you for good. I found a place within me where I took responsibility for my part in the disaster that was us. I somehow, I forgave you. I let you know, and you thought it was impossible. Imagine my surprise when a mutual friend asked what I had done to you. Apparently you were worried about what I would do to you.

I let you be, after all I couldn't force you to believe I bore no grudge. The good in all this is that I think we are now friends. We talk, we laugh, and we can talk without fighting.  I see you every now and again and although at first you were hesitant, now you almost believe I won't try to destroy your life again.

We have tender moments which seem as heated as when we were together but without all the added drama of the desperate passion we had back then. You are growing into someone that is less all the things you say I drove you to. Interestingly, you say you love your girl because she is the opposite of me. Your words were she was calm so you felt that was what you needed after me.

I think being together bound us together in so many ways that now it feels so good to be together without any expectations. I don't know why it is you keep coming back but I think we probably always will keep coming back to each other. At least this time I know it isn't forever or perfect but it works now.

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