Paper and Ink: Femme Aimee (51)
By Emmeline Bisiikwa, Uganda:
What were you thinking? That's always the first question people ask when things go wrong. What was I thinking when I let you go? When did I let things get so bad that hurting each other became routine? What were you thinking when you took those first steps to deliberately break me? When did you became indifferent to my wants and needs?
What were we thinking when we let what we had come to mean so little? We threw it all away after all we had been through. I ask myself a thousand questions every time I think of you. I put myself through hell wondering what was real and what wasn't? Who you were? If I knew you at all. Was the whole thing a game to you?
I keep blaming myself. Still wake up thinking you are in my life and am going to talk to you and see you but then conscious thought slams me with the painful reminder that you aren't mine anymore. Maybe you never were.
You led me on a merry chase and pretended to be what I wanted. Why? Why did you even stay all those years if it hurt so badly and if you wanted to be someone else and with someone else? Why did you promise you would never leave if you knew this didn't mean anything to you?
Once upon a time, you told me you were afraid to lose me and you thought you already had. You promised to do whatever it took to keep me in your life. I believed you and I feel like such a fool because I couldn't tell what was real and what wasn't. You lied to me!
What was I thinking believing in a fairy-tale? You were too good to be true and you acted like you couldn't stand being away from me even for a short while. The way you were there when I needed you; you made me want to be a better person. You changed me.
I needed you to be real. I wanted this to be it, my happy ending. I loved you. A part of me will always love you. I hate feeling like am stuck in this rut where thoughts of you are on replay and am a broken song thinking I need you, want you, and miss you. I wish somehow this was just a bad dream.
Everything about you reminds me of what I lost when I don't have you. Thinking of you takes me through the whole pain of having you and losing you. I wonder if you have these same thoughts. If you regret hurting me and breaking me. I feel betrayed because I thought somehow we were on the same page yet we weren't.
It's over 6 months now and I just want to wake up one day and not be slammed by the fact that I don't have you. I want to forget the day you showed me what it was to love and lose someone. Because, I don't know how to stop loving you. After all we have been through, it still hurts to breathe without you.
My heart is stuck on replay and I want someone to just change the playlist so that I forget what started without my consent and now won't end. I just want the bits of me I lost to you back, is that too much to ask for?