Paper and Ink, Series

Paper and Ink: Femme Aimee (49)

By Emmeline Bisiikwa, Uganda:

I can't help getting upset with you sometimes. It feels like you take nothing seriously, including my feelings! I know right now that it is an integral part of your character- laid back and let the world go by but it really gets to me sometimes. Maybe because am the opposite and I like to take life by its lapels until I get my way. You are the ice to my fire and sometimes it really really pushes me past civil thoughts. I have found myself imagining strangling you… shaking you until some semblance of emotion comes into your eyes.

Ignoring you when you are being cold doesn't work. It feels like sometimes you prefer it when I storm off or give you the silent treatment, because then you have some peace and quiet. It hurts me though, that you are so unfeeling when am beside myself.

Last night was especially hard. I woke up to find you out of bed and I felt offended. You said you couldn't sleep but what I heard was you didn't want to be in bed with me. You felt I was overreacting and making something about me when it had nothing to do with me. Needless to say when you didn't say or do what I wanted to hear, I walked away. I couldn't stand to be in the same room as you and I left the bedroom.

You didn't follow me and that broke my heart even more. I remember when you couldn't stand to see me hurt or cry and I wish we could go back to those days. I felt like my feelings mattered to you then. I wanted you to care last night but when you didn't I let it go.

Before I left this morning I came and pecked you goodnight in bed. You woke and asked if I was leaving already. I asked if you wanted me to stay for a while. You said you did. I climbed into bed and over your chest. You put your arms around me and I felt like everything was alright again. You held me close and I could feel your chest inflating as you breathed in and out. I felt so safe and somehow we reconnected. I miss just cuddling with you, back when we had less commitments and obligations. It was the best feeling in the world and I felt that again today.

We left home together, took a morning walk and were back to our easy conversation and camaraderie. I take for granted sometimes how much you see into me and make allowances for me. How you tease me and get me out of my stuffy self sometimes. How you love to encourage me to only buy the things I truly love when we go shopping. I

Just yesterday we went all out crazy and got a gorgeous scarlet table to match our décor. Am pretty sure the salesman was thinking up what help we need when we specifically asked for a scarlet table, but on getting the table, it was worth every bit of work put into making it our dream table. It met each of our expectations. Home is where you are, also the place we have decorated lovingly with both our personalities. I look forward to coming home to you because it is exactly where I want to be.

I have never been one to take being ignored or brushed off lightly. I can count off on one hand the times I have stayed calm during an argument and the issue got resolved. It's more likely that I will get agitated, jump to conclusions and say something we both regret the next day.

Looking back on it now, I can say my temper has been responsible for quite a number of relationship woes that could have been avoided had I kept my cool and swallowed my pride.

Take the guy I threw out for months at an end till he had no choice but to move on. Or the guy I made my personal punching bag every time I felt ignored or unhappy or depressed. The one I hurt because I felt he was pulling away and didn't love me anymore: it is all my passive regressive behavior over the years. I can't change the past but I can definitely not make the same mistakes again.

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