Paper and Ink: Femme Aimee (40)
By Emmeline Bisiikwa, Uganda:
When someone says forever we only think of the sweet cheesy things; falling in love and staying together every day for the rest of your lives. Meeting your soul mate or your one true love; and getting married because you don't see an end at that point when you are willing to pledge your body, heart and soul to someone for the rest of your lives.
No one in their right minds could imagine that forever would be torture. Making the same mistakes over and over again. Doing the same thing yet somehow expecting different results one of the times at least. Falling in love with the wrong people and failing to fall out of love with them. I guess it is hardest when you realize it doesn't work backwards. You can fall in but can't fall out. That is the real tragedy.
The elusive wait for things to get better is a close second. Hoping, praying, every single day that the ending isn't fated to be cruel. That happy ever after still exists somewhere and you will find it even if it is playing hide and seek for now. What would be the point of living if you knew you were doomed to fail at everything you hoped would work out somehow?
Forever will test your patience and push you past your limits. It is the one single promise that comes without a guarantee. We all get hooked but somehow you realize you can't dangle by a thread even when there is no substance cementing your future.
No one prepares you for the bad, they only fill your head with expectations of the best. No two people experience the same semblance of forever. Your happy ever after could be someone else's test of where things are going.
Losing you is one of the hardest things I have gone through, but also one of the best things. Somehow, I let you convince me that you were the reason I had value and I was lucky you gave me your attention. The hard part is sorting out the mess you made of my emotions, ego and logic. I can't tell what was real and what the games you played were. The parts which were the real you and those you fabricated just so you could have your way with a delusional me who thought you deserved every part of me.
Am starting to see that life is so much more than being wrapped up in you especially since you weren't everything I made you out to be in the first place. There is more out there and it is falling in my lap, all the things I ever wanted just lining up a few at a time. I don't take things like someone to listen to me for granted anymore. Nor do I let someone hitch a ride for their ego or insanity.
You have to earn your right to be a part of my life because I earned the right to my happiness. It isn't some half and half outcome that is debatable or where compromises are acceptable. Thing is, I have earned every right to be me, to want the things I do and to make demands that suit me. You have the right to remain silent and not make rules for my life. There have been too many yous. Now there is only one person who matters; me.
It's my turn to live. My turn to have my forever. I am writing it exactly the way I want it because I have read the fairy tales and watched all the sappy romance stories to know how it goes. I know what I want to happen and by sheer will and orchestration I will direct this thing to the ending I deserve. It's my turn to live now. Forever.