Paper and Ink, Series

Paper and Ink: Femme Aimee (38)

By Emmeline Bisiikwa, Uganda:

I guess there is such a thing as too much love. That moment when you betray yourself and everything you believe in because you badly want to be with someone and want it to work. It doesn't always work out the way you expect though because humans are naturally selfish and takers. Someone is okay with taking more and if you keep giving, you could end up depleted.

I guess it is why I feel empty. I know a part of me is forever gone from trying to be right for someone who wasn't right for me. I still miss him every day even after he broke my heart. Some days I leave the house and before I even get to my workplace, I'm bowled over by the pain and doubts about everything we had, it's only the need to keep my face for third parties that keeps me from collapsing  on myself.

I remember Valentine's Day last year, we had so many hopes and plans; I did. It kept going wrong and yet somehow I knew the next time would be better. There is no next time. It is the only chance we had and I feel cheated. Last year started on a bad note and maybe that was precedence for everything that went wrong between us; your birthday, my birthday, valentine's day, it was all a mess.

I guess life is for living as you hoard the hours because you never know how many days or hours you have to enjoy. I have been struggling to keep my head afloat and keep my head up every day because it feels like somehow without trying, I lost everything I held dear and there are no replacements.

I wake up, I eat, I sleep, I walk, but somehow I am not living.  The best part of being alive for me was being able to talk to you, see you, talk to you, fight with you, make up with you and love you. You gave me a purpose and somehow completed me even as you tore me into little pieces. This person I am right now isn't anyone I have ever known before. There is a hole in the center of what used to be my life and I keep blaming myself for maybe, somehow, pushing you away.

I want someday to take my life back and build these pieces that are missing but I don't know where to start. It feels like someone took my life hostage and I can't come up with the ransom. Only thing stopping me from calling it quits is sheer will. I don't want to fall apart, I will not. Somehow I am going to be ok.

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