Paper and Ink: Femme Aimee (33)
By Emmeline Bisiikwa, Uganda:
It is pretty hard getting to know someone from scratch. Like, hello, are you weird? I'm weird too! I know, it's weird. But when your happy-ever-after urns to what just happened, you have no choice but to adapt. Each moment becomes a battle to survive and find your feet. You start making small talk to strangers because you don't want to close the door on something that could blossom. The one doesn't come marked for you to tell he will be your everything someday. You have to discover for yourself what layers are beneath a stranger's look.
For the first time in forever, I am single with no one actively pursuing me. Of course I'm not counting that weird ex who I never even think about. Or the former flings who want to test the waters and see if anything has changed. I mean these genuine expressions of interest from a guy you want to talk to and see where it could go.
The ex that I'm still in love with though, he seems to have his poker face figured out. Well apart from the one time. After our talk when he said he wants to see me because he misses me, he came over. He was surprised I wasn't angry or bitter. I guess he was used to the bitter woman I had become at the end of our relationship. I didn't resent him for anything now. I just wanted to stop hurting. I was calm and talked to him reasonably and could see he wanted to spend more time with me.
I feel friend zoned though. Ever since that day, I spend all of my time thinking about him and wanting to see him again but he barely even texts. So I guess whatever drove him to contact me in the first place is gone. I thought being with him without all the pressures of being in a relationship would be good for me but I hope I hadn't set up a date with hurt yet again.
I can't tell what he wants or even if I made the right decision. Time will tell if I don't go crazy: First for being with him and second, for expecting nothing in return. I don't know if it is wise to open myself up to someone again especially when my heart belongs irrevocably to someone else. He told me that he missed everything about me, and I thought saying yes to this would serve to remind him why he fell for me in the first place and bring him closer to me.
Instead, it seems like he can think straight and breathe other air from me without losing himself.
We will always be intense, even though we are trying so hard to be casual. Just being in the same room yields spiked heart rates and his breath speeding up, my concentration shot.
A part of me hopes settling for this, for him, was his way of saying we aren't done yet.
We have been through too much to just roll over and forget each other. Maybe the pain can bind us together once again. I can only hope and wait.