Paper and Ink: Femme Aimmee 28
By Emmeline Bisiikwa, Uganda:
It's the conversations in my head that I hate the most. They remind me too much of our fights, where I tried to save something and it was like having a conversation with myself or worse still, with a wall. You certainly nailed how not to have a conversation however urgent it was.
I've been evaluating the past two years with you and yes, we were happy. Yes, we probably meant everything said both good and bad, but maybe we shouldn't have tried so hard or so little. Sometimes it's better to let a plant fully blossom instead of telling it when you want the petals and how soon it should bear fruit. A little care, water and let it follow nature's course might be all it ever needed.
I am coming to terms with the fact that my life is my own now and I can't let you tear down who I am just 'cause I couldn't be whatever it was you wanted; Not sure even you know what that was. A dear friend once told me: “however much a little boy wants to be a man, not even wearing men's clothes will make him a man till his time comes”. I guess what I have learnt now is that people grow when they do and not a moment sooner.
I am learning that being a grown up isn't just the freedom you have in making your choices but also the consequences and process of dealing with them and refining yourself to become a “you” that someday will say: “I royally screwed up but at least I'm not such a mess”.
Our mistakes should only direct our next steps not define us. I am learning to grow because I didn't expect this feeling of emptiness to come from aloneness. Somehow I lost bits of myself along the way and I didn't even know they were gone. It has been a really, really, really long time since
I last had to be alone and I don't remember how. Maybe I used relationships as a crutch so I didn't have to exist in my space by myself but now I am totally finding new ways to reinvent myself.
I have more time than ideas but I'm trying. Each day is easier to forget my pain and hurt and of course I have thrown myself into decorating my house so it looks and feels like home even if I am alone. I am awakening my passion for projects and taking on as much work as I can so that at least I am too tired to stay up feeling sorry for myself.
I am reading, watching series, making and buying things, renovating things. Gosh! There is so much that just keeps getting done when I have the energy. And when it fades and leaves me lethargic and numb, I lie in bed, sometimes reading and sometimes thinking but taking it in my stride. I know that someday everything will be aligned exactly the way it needs to.
I am reaching out to old friends, rebuilding bridges long worn down and reconciling friendships. There is so much to do when I have the energy, and so much still when I'm too angry at the world to do much. But I am breathing breath by breath and fighting back because I will not be bowed by the weight of the world. I talk and cry and laugh and resolve, because grieving is natural and sometimes it feels like I'm going through all the stages at the same time.
You know how in those movies, the battle worn warrior comes back home dragging the sword or axe and the wife smiles like the sun just came out after a long absence? I want that. I want someday to look up and see the world in brilliant hues and know that I made it back. I am a survivor and I won't just roll over and bury my tattered pride and dreams. I will work and get ready for my someday. See you soon ?