Paper and Ink: Femme Aimee 29
By Emmeline Bisiikwa, Uganda:
I guess I have told this side of the story from the middle and haven't really explained how we got here. It has been running through my head, the beginning, the prelude to this pain and all I can think is: did you ever love me? Was this ever real for you or was the whole thing a farce?
I am not really sure where to start; Maybe from why we don't have an actual anniversary date? We never could decide whether to put it at the first time you kissed me, or the first time we were able to fully be together; those failed attempts really frustrated us both but I guess it was our hearts' way of telling us that they weren't yet ready to commit. There is the time we kept texting all day and night, we weren't serious then but maybe the need to keep talking, to feel close was a sign that it was more than a flirtation. Eventually when I broke up to be with you, and you broke up too….I expected you to ask me out officially then. You took a while, didn't really trust I had and I didn't think you had too.
Earlier on when we realised we didn't want to share anymore you said you couldn't stand to hurt her and I didn't want to pressure you. My heart cried out that 'what about me? Didn't you care about hurting me?'It's the sum of the little voices I ignored that hurts me the most. Maybe I wouldn't be hurting now. Maybe it would feel different if I hadn't hesitated and had given up everything to be with you. See, when you told me you weren't ready to be serious because you thought I wouldn't make a good girlfriend, it hurt me more than you can imagine.
I didn't want to commit to someone who wasn't ready to trust me to love him back. I know that now, you can't love two people. One is the one you love and the other is just the convenience store. It took me a while to gather the courage to leave my convenience store, it was my safe place. He didn't treat me like his world but he wasn't too bad either. He said the L word routinely, would never cheat, I had even met his family and they loved me.
But you, you were the one my heart sped up for. You were the one I couldn't wait to see. I couldn't go a day without talking to you. You made me feel so many things I couldn't even put into words. I knew we had passion but I often wondered what would happen if what we felt eventually faded. Funny how (for) all these months, it's not the fire that died out. In fact it was quite the opposite. Half our fights were a product of one of us caring too much about something quite routine.
The lies you told to avoid me getting upset that ended up hurting me more. The times you listened to something your friends said about us; that stung because I felt you didn't trust me even after all our time together and were willing to believe all the negative things about me. That is what broke me the most. You were never in my corner. It was always halfway with you with plenty of space for a retreat at the slightest sign things wouldn't work out. I feel cheated, I gave up my comfort zone for you but you never really left your safety net.