Paper and Ink, Series

Paper and Ink: Femme Aimee 26

By Emmeline Bisiikwa, Uganda:

I can’t stop thinking about the day I moved to my new apartment. We had had a major fight right before where I felt you weren’t being supportive and I went ahead and made the payment for the place without you there and was planning to move and not tell you where. I felt you didn’t deserve to be in my life. But somehow as all the times we have fought we managed to work through it. We can’t work through it this time maybe that is why I am thinking through the times you showed me you cared and could change.

This particular day, you showed up early to be with me before the moving truck could get here. You held me and apologized to me and talked to me. Heck you couldn’t get enough. You were talking about how you would never let me be with anyone else because you loved me and you wanted to marry me and no one else would. I made a joke about it because someone overheard you and gave you that weird look of ‘Are you for real?’

Fast forward to being overloaded in a moving truck with my leg pressed against yours and your anticipation to seeing my new home. The old one already had so many memories for us in spite of the ugly awful fights we had had and the juvenile tantrums such as me locking the door when we had a fight so you wouldn’t leave and telling you to climb out the window if you wanted to escape me so badly, or the time we fought and I felt so violated I said I couldn't bear to be with you and tried leaving at 3am and you followed me out in the dark on my aimless walk and we ran back home after getting a scare where we thought we were being followed. That home had memories tinged with pain but also passion. You showed me, the times you were brave enough to let me in, that you cared deeply and you would do anything to make it ok.

Gosh I miss you so much. Even now with tears streaming down my face all I can think about is how much I loved you. I hate you. Hate that u made me believe you were willing to go the extra mile yet you weren’t. You acted like I meant something to you, like this was all you needed. I can’t forgive you for acting like it's my fault you don't know how to love me. I wasn't going to let you treat me like crap just because you claimed to love me. But breaking me this way? That isn’t love. You took this for granted and did nothing to make this work. You broke all your promises to me. I wouldn’t change anything I did because I tried to love you, to change you because I knew you could be a better person. I tried to build a future where we both knew what we wanted because I don’t want to put my kids through a broken home. You didn’t see that. You didn’t see or understand me. And I apologize for making you feel like less of a person but I meant the best. I can’t stop hurting and I don't know if you feel the same. If you do am sorry! I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was in love with you. But you deserve to be happy and obviously you didn’t feel that way with me.

Anyway we got there and as I tried to arrange what I needed sorted you came and asked me if there was anything I needed you to do. That touched me, more than the apologies and promises. See you weren't thinking about just you, you didn't want me over spread. Later you said to me it didn't feel like home, the old place had felt like home – even with all the pain we had gone through there. And you said you would help make my new place home. I guess that was true until you left. It is my place, not ours!! Even though my heart feels otherwise.

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