Paper and Ink, Series

Paper and Ink: Femme Aimee 23

By Emmeline Bisiikwa, Uganda:

Making decisions for you is probably one of the hardest things I have had to do, especially if you are deciding basing on intuition and feelings and not much fact. How do you know it is the right thing to do? You second guess everything and doubt you were right to do what you did. Why can't it just be easy to make up your mind and stick to your guns?

I realized recently I had lost me in trying to be his version of me. You know how someone convinces you nothing about you is right and you need to change the way you walk and talk and think just so you can be happy. The difference here is I convinced myself that I had the problem, I wasn't good enough and I had to change.
Now am at this place where I don't know what happened to the girl with the dreams and am just a bitter person wondering what went wrong. I made one of the hardest decisions when I decided I couldn't handle a relationship with the love of my life anymore. Was it supposed to be so hard? I don't know. Was it supposed to hurt? Did pain justify me walking away yet I was sure I wanted to be with him more than anything?

I don't understand when all our good intentions turned into fights and accusations and resentment. Communication ceased so abruptly I don't remember when we last talked and felt we were on the same page and same side. Lately it had trickled to “he said she said, he meant she meant”.

Nothing feels the same anymore. I miss that feeling of lying in bed texting about nothing and feeling a warm fuzzy glow cause we are in a special place together. Instead now all conversations seem to be continuations of fights we even forgot about.

I guess the only thing I got out of this was growing up. I realized I can be someone totally different.
A younger me would have raised hell and demanded not to see him ever again but the new me is okay with being friends. Once upon a time I wanted to be friends with him and things escalated so fast but now I am thinking maybe if we go back to that time and build a friendship maybe this can go a lot further than it is right now.
Friendships are supposed to be the foundation of a lot of things; maybe someday it will be the road that brings us back together, or a reason not to hate each other. I can't tell what the future holds but I am hopeful. I think the end of this might just be the beginning of something better and precious. Only time can tell.

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