By Tashinga Wazara, Zimbabwe:
I just didn't know what to do. My world was shattered. What would my family think when they found out? And what about my sister? She would disown me for sure. Then there was the issue of me carrying twins. TWINS! What the heck? I figured that I had to tell Tinashe about it because I at least owed him that but I didn't know how I was gonna answer when he asked me why I never took the pill when he had specifically asked me to. So I kept quiet. I resolved that I would look after the babies myself and hold on to the anonymity of the father and say that he had refused responsibility and left me.
On the day of Tinashe and Linda's wedding, I looked at Linda and saw how happy she was. She was in this for the long haul and she really loved Tinashe. I suddenly felt a weight of guilt on my shoulders. I was going to have Tinashe's babies and he would never know about it. Linda would forever think that she married a perfect man and that she had a loyal, loving sister. I tried to fight the feeling for a while but then it got worse and worse and I started panicking. If the story ever came out, and dirty secrets like mine always do, she might not be able to survive it. I decided to tell Tinashe so that he could end the wedding now rather than break my sister's heart later.
So I tried to call him so that I could tell him but then he wasn't picking up so I went to their changing room and asked to see him. But when I broke the news to him I just told him I was pregnant. I didn't tell him they were twins. It would be too much information for him. I would tell him that later. Hopefully he would stop the wedding and it would prevent a lot of heartache. My sister would hate me but at least it wouldn't involve a messy divorce. Better now than later.
Tinashe was visibly shaken when I told him and I advised him to stop the wedding so we could deal with the issue but while we were talking we got interrupted by his best man, who came to call him because it was time to get to the chapel. He left and I went back to join Linda and the rest of the bridesmaids. My heart was beating fast and I was just praying that Tinashe would do the right thing and end the wedding. When we got to the altar, Tinashe was visibly uncomfortable and it gave me hope that he was going to do the right thing but the bastard didn't do it. He went ahead with the vows! What was he thinking?
A few minutes ago we were sitting in the reception room about to eat and Linda, who was sitting next to me leaned in and whispered excitedly, 'Pam I have some really exciting news but please don't tell Tinashe. I wanna tell him when we go on our honeymoon. Pamela, I'm pregnant!!'
I couldn't believe it. If you think I got the shock of my life when I found out I was pregnant with twins then this just took it to another level. I smiled back at her and said, 'Congrats Lin!' but at this point I was visibly shaking, at the point of near break down and I got up and went outside and found a secluded place. I felt so overwhelmed that I couldn't breathe. I felt as if the world was caving in on me. This is where I am right now. Suicide feels like a viable option at this point. At least I will die with my secret or in this case my two little secrets. If all of this is God trying to punish me then he's got me real good. But then again from what my grandmother used to tell me about God, I don't think that he would want to do something so bad to me. This has to be the devil, and if his plan was to get rid of me then I think he might have just won.
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