By Mpuga Rukidi, Uganda:
Dear Mr. President, it is not usual that I write to you. In fact it is not usual that a no namer like me actually writes to you. Excuse my kamanyiiro and please accept this unsolicited letter. After all, people as unpatriotic as Dr. Kiiza Besigye have written to you (and you have written back) what about me, who has no such unenviable record like escaping 24 hour surveillance?
It is an issue that ignited my adrenaline on the wrong end, of course: These good for nothing journalists that keep writing whatever rubbish that forms into their small shapeless heads. Imagine my surprise when I woke up one morning the other week, only to be greeted by the stupid headline: State House Budget Hits Shs.200 billion. So what?
That of course is not to mention the silly and unintellectual reaction that this provoked from social media, itself dominated by the same crazy journalists. It is clear those idiots know not who you are, at which point I wish to remind them.
Are you not the ever present, never retiring, all knowing revolutionary, conqueror of the Great Lakes Region? Is it not you that wrote an autobiography that become an international bestseller? Nay, is it not you that could metamorphose into a cat, dog or any other beast in order to elude your pursuers? The idiots that wrote that rubbish are joking. And that is not all. Is it not you again that released an international best selling rap single, the allure of which has turned many an international record labels' focus on the Pearl of Africa? Mr. President, it is you! Now imagine the idiots using derogatory language against you! Who ever questions the budgets of your contemporaries, I mean, the likes of 50 Cent, and Jay Z? (Not Jacob Zuma – whose credentials are entirely different). Who ever writes headlines like: Drake's Expenses Too Much! No one, of course!
The problem is they don't know what it means to be an international best selling rapper. I will break it down for them. For starters you need to dress well. Louis Vuiton, D &G, True Religion and other such labels are supposed to form the bulk of your apparels. You need to have the latest, state of the art rides- not the old fashioned Mercedes. It's stuff like Bentleys, Ferraris and Lamborghinis. That is not to mention Dr Dre earphones and the bling that goes with it. Mr. President, you have none of that. Imagine you were to live and eat life the way you are supposed to. I guess the cries of those senseless scribes would reach the North Pole.
Just ignore the haters, call your producers so that they give you beats so that you can bring us an even hotter single to follow up your highly successful debut single. And it is not everyday that debuts become such instant hits. But you managed to pull it off. Even seasoned rappers are finding it extremely hard to come up with such eye catching lyrics. Do you remember when Nas last produced a successful single? That's what I’m saying, you are one in a million! And you need to live large.
I wonder what these critics will say when you come up with your launch budget. Everyone is launching remember. So instead of worrying about those idiots, Mr. President, just dance to the beat and do some free styling right there coz u aint doin' anything unusual – u livin like a true rapper, men!
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