Illusions of a Bachelor: Dead Roses
By Aaron Aroriza, Uganda:
I think it's a great gesture – a good romantic gesture, giving your woman a rose or a bouquet of flowers. I won't claim I've ever understood what it is about flowers that makes some women go crazy. But then again, there are many things about the opposite sex I will never be able to understand.
I agree that the rose gesture is a romantic one, I really do. And I envy the opposite sex for finding (most times feigning) so much pleasure in such simple [wither-prone] beauty. I just don't think it's fair to think that men who don't give roses are not romantic. You see, historically, men were hunters while women were gatherers. This meant that men went out into the wild while women stayed around the home. And while men were still flexing their muscles and cluelessly wandering in the wild – day in day out, our mothers devised a way to ensure food security,especially regarding matters of meat: Animal domestication. That ingenious idea must have come from a woman who loved her meat too much. But she is not the one I'm after.
I'm after the man who invented the rose-giving gesture. He must have been a cunning one who never got lucky on hunting expeditions. His wife must have been so mad at him for being such a loser and often coming back empty handed, while his fellow men carried corpses of unlucky beasts back home. Being a smooth operator, 'loser man' must have thought of a way to make it up to his wife every time he didn't get lucky with unlucky beasts in the wild. He must have found some beautiful flowers in the wild that smelled like heaven and thought to himself; “these will make her smile, make her feel loved, make her forget about her hunger, loosen her anger and lead her to forgive me for being such a loser hunter”. He must have convinced her they should even become vegetarians since corpses of animals stank, and it was cruel to kill a humble living creature. From then on, he must have gone to the wild only to collect roses for his lovely wife who would always be waiting for him with a smile – welcoming him with a warm hug. The other men, being all sweaty and drenched in beast blood must not have got any sweet hugs from their loved ones. 'Loser man's' marriage must have been one they envied – but only on the romance side. Later, when their hard work led them to wealth and they could afford servants, they must have turned 'loser man's' ways into their hobby so their women could find them as charming. Since they were now wealthy, they must have called themselves gentlemen and owned 'loser man's' unpatented original idea of a perfect excuse to his wife for being such a loser hunter and turned it into a gesture of romance and true gentleman-ship. From then on, all women in that village must have expected flowers from every gentle-lover-man.
And since wealthy gentle men wanted to keep up appearances, they must have kept on offering a rose to every object of their love even when they might not have understood what it was about flowers and some women and how it could possibly ever be a gesture of undying love. The flower giving gesture must have become the symbol of gentleman-ship in some women's minds. And whereas some might not find flowers attractive, they find gentlemen attractive. Therefore, they might be happy for having received roses not because they love roses but because the gesture signifies to them that they've attracted a gentleman. But men have become conmen and understand perfectly how to appear like a perfect gentleman to even a beautiful damsel who has never planted a single flower in her backyard. A real gentleman would know that if a girl has never planted flowers, chances are, she doesn't love them so much. And if she doesn't love flowers so much, wouldn't it be ungentlemanly for any redshirt-clad man to shove flowers down her heart? Surely, only a psycho would hurt a beautiful damsel like that.