Sequins and Sapphires, Series

Sequins and Sapphires: Boss!

By Kathryn Kazibwe:

One of my teachers in primary school used to say, if you don't know what you're talking about, then why are you still talking? You'd much rather ask and find out, than speak and make a fool of yourself. Fortunately or unfortunately, some people do not follow this principle.

The weekend after Princess Ruth Komuntale of Toro's wedding, I was in a salon in Wandegeya getting my hair done. Now we all know salons are the best place to find hot gossip and news about any and every one in Uganda and beyond. And in this particular salon, there was a man whose apparent job it was to uphold this age old cliché about salons. The entire time I was there, he stopped talking only to put food in his mouth, and even then just for a few seconds. But unlike most barbers and 'nails guys' I have encountered in salons, he didn't limit his talk to soccer and politics.

This man, whose name I garnered was Boss, felt the need to comment on everything he saw. His topic for the day, it seemed, was the Royal Wedding, but from the things he said, I wondered whether there had been an alternative version of it aired in his home. He had skewed versions of everything!

“It is a pity that Gadaffi was not alive to attend the wedding,” he began. “Had he been there, he would have walked the princess down the aisle and given her to her husband!”

“Really? So who did it instead?” the 'nails guy' asked.

“It was Amama Mbabazi. He gave away the bride,” said Boss mildly. I waited for someone to correct him, but everyone just continued with whatever they were doing. Wait, was I the only one who saw the Princess's brother (the King) giving her away? Meanwhile, Boss continued with his well-spun story.

“As for Best (Toro Queen-Mother) I don't even know why she's still a widow. She should get remarried! In fact, Sekandi should be the one to marry her.”

“Ha! Who can get married to that one? Have you seen his face?” One of the ladies working on my hair said.

“Do you know where those scars on his face come from? They are from waragi! He used to distill waragi in childhood, and the fumes burnt him!”

I wondered how Boss had come across such information. Maybe he grew up with the vice president and used to help with the distilling! But he still wasn't done with his review of the wedding.

“And did you see the groom's mother? She's a mzungu! White as any white man. How she got such a black child, I do not know.”

At this point, I was getting used to the fact that Boss knew nary about the Royal Wedding, and was probably just talking about a movie directed by himself, starring fictional characters with familiar names. And when he had exhausted the wedding plot, he moved on to other topics.

By the time I left the salon, he had informed us that the two main characters in a popular soap opera were actually married in real life with two children called Lola and Marcelo. That Obama had paid a secret visit to his Kenyan grand mother on the eve of his re-election to get good luck charms. That the exhibitional jets that had flown over Kampala on Uganda's Jubilee celebrations had been used to spray a substance on the people that would ensure they all voted for President Museveni come 2016.

As I left, I noticed Boss hadn't done anything the whole day, he wasn't doing hair or nails or eyebrows. He just sat and talked. I concluded that he was the entertainment boss of the place, and boy was he doing a commendable job!

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