Illusions of a Bachelor: Lemons
By Aaron Aroriza:
To some, it gives lemons; to others, just nothing. So, when life hands you lemons, peel them with care and take the vitamin C. Life knows best – lemons might be what you need most.
And why not make lemonade like they proverbially say? You ask. Well, you could do that but it's not the only option available to you. David and Goliath is one Sunday school story that got etched in my brain. One of David's lemons was the rather un-balanced battle between petit sized him and giant sized Goliath. What did David do with the lemon? He made lemon-grenade and hulled it at Goliath. He couldn't miss because, as has been said, Goliath was too big a target. The rest is bible history!
How about we look at my relatives' history? Life evidently handed uncle Sevo lots of lemons. But in the early eighties, after melons had been handed to grandpa Mill-tone by the same hand that had dealt uncle Sevo more lemons than he could ever need even for an entire nation's lemonade, he decided enough was enough. He had patiently collected all the lemons from life hoping one day life would stop giving them out and he would be the only one with lemons in the entire country winning a monopoly in the lemonade business. This idea was taking too long to materialize and his lemon stores were getting too full. In utter despair, he sliced some of the lemons and invited twenty six other men who he requested to come with salt and tequila. Some came with vodka.
After getting too drunk, they all staggered to the bush in a feat of excitement, swearing upon their peasant father's dogs – dogs they would later let the pearl of Africa go to. Uncle Sevo threw the rest of the lemons back at life and wandered in the wilderness looking for the ground grandpa Mill-tone's melons were being grown on. Five years later he found it, much to the ululation of his ragtag group of melon seekers who he gave unlimited access to the garden of melons. Whenever life gives him lemons now, he tells it he doesn't like them and then directs it to the field where he discovered grandpa Mill-tone's melons. Sometimes he tells life he prefers oil. Meantime he just squeezes the lemon in uncle Besi's big eyes.
But he doesn't do it himself – no – he doesn't have that time. Last time he just called on my nephew Arinaitwe for the lemon squeezing job. Arinaitwe carried some lemon juice in a pressurized can and sprayed it in uncle Besi's eyes. But you see, uncle Besi brought this unto himself – I completely blame him.
Uncle Besi was dealt lemons some years ago. What did he do with them?! He said some magic words and voila, they turned into roses. He then handed these roses to Auntie We-knee; uncle Sevo's long time apple of Eden. Lemons might be sour but they have a rather sweet scent. Now imagine that scent coupled with the smell of roses…mmhhh. Auntie We-knee's knees gave way and her heart melted. Now, have you ever wondered what happens to items that magicians cause to disappear?! Well, these particular lemons that Uncle Besi caused to disappear and be replaced with roses, re-appeared in uncle Sevo's melon garden disguised as melons. You can imagine the look on uncle Sevo's face when he bit into his melon piece only for his mouth to be filled with that bitter lemon taste. Uncle Besi's magic antics are quite entertaining but he deserves to have a whole can of eye burning lemon juice sprayed in his giant eyes and some of it bitterly forced down his throat.
Of course my nephew Arinaitwe would love to do that over and over again. But life handed him some lemons immediately after he had squeezed uncle Sevo's lemons in uncle Besi's eyes. What did he do with the lemons? He threw them back at life and yelled “I wanted ice-cream!!!” Oh my nephew… I hope he gets the ice-cream. Life hates being yelled at.
He could have received his ice cream through prayer and miracles, you know. That's what Man of God Yanjas did with his lemon. Cousin Marley (Not Bob the musician) and cousin Same-pa presented Yanjas with a gay lemon life had sent him; yes some lemons are gay! He dropped it on the floor, squashed it, jumping over it like he was treading on the devil, prayed over it like he normally does when rebuking demons and then forced my two cousins to lick the sour lemon juice from the very floor on which his congregation worships him – while he stepped on their heads. Now, that's what I'm talking about.
But it's my uncle Oh-la-la who amazes me most. I told you to some, life gives lemons and to others, just nothing. To uncle Oh-la-la, it hasn't even given a wife.
Oh, a wife! That's what my princess Komu became just a few days ago. Life has been generous to her. It has given her melons: She's beautiful, she's a princess and she has had a fairy tale wedding. But Thomas!! Thomas!! (Not the one in Tom and Jerry), in Mr. Thomas, life might be plotting to give my princess her real first batch of lemons. And what will she do with the lemons?! Duh, she is a princess…she'll just drop them and yell back at life, “I'm a princess. I can kiss frogs but I'm allergic to lemons. Take them back now and go get me some milk and honey and… er some more frogs!!!” And what did I say about life and yelling?