By Mpuga Rukidi:
It's no joke. I am opening up my church, and very soon!
Of course I had an inspiration for this: – I am sure you have heard about the OPM Scandal – the Office of the Prime Minister Scandal here in Uganda. These days our media is awash (hate the word, but what to do?) with reports of very powerful people in the Prime Minister's office misappropriating – actually, stealing – huge sums of money, as though they are preparing to go somewhere far away – probably to heaven.
It's hard to justify such practices, you know. This is why one of the guys came up with a brilliant idea: donate the money in question to a church. I’m here thinking, why on mother earth, should yours truly not be the recipient of such monies, such worthy monies?! We are constantly accused of lacking entrepreneurial skills. I choose to be such an outstanding exception. Having scratched my head – not a small one by most accounts, I have, as you would expect, successfully failed to find answers as to why I should not receive this money. So my plan is simple. I will build a church, the ABC of which is outlined here.
First every church needs a pastor. And not just any pastor – a pastor with style, so that the congregation, or clients, or whatever you chose to call those that come to this holy place, will be proud of him. That pastor should be a man of colour, literally. Designer suits and all that, knowledge of a few verses from the holy book memorized to heart, so they can roll off the tongue all the time. But most importantly, he needs the accent! Yeah. So that he can say something like: I gat a feelin a miracle's gonna happen. Gat that? I will become that pastor.
I will need fliers to go around, with me giving off a handsome smile (I know guys that can make me appear handsome), and a memorable verse from the Bible. But also, is it not always said that behind every successful man there is a woman? I have never known why the woman should always be behind. But anyhow, I shall need a wife! I am single. So I will drop in at one of the many modeling houses and get a very beautiful model, so we can flash very wide smiles. And she will be beside me. This is crucial, because you don't want to read newspaper stories of Pastor so and so who has no wife and is thought to be gay. And you know what guys are doing in the House nowadays. With my wife, I will be shielded from the Anti Homosexuality campaigners.
Every event, for those of you who don't come from here, needs to be launched. You have probably seen our artists talk about their songs every month here. See, every good product needs marketing. Anything good has to be launched. So I will launch the church with a few artists here and there and of course the guys that have the money will have to grace the occasion, or else how shall I get worthy ‘clients’? So the Prime Minister and all his crew, with their trousers fastened way above the waistline for reasons we all know or can guess since we have brains, will be invited. Plus the guys behind the Anti Homosexuality Bill have to be there. Excellent coverage in the press will be guaranteed and before all you doubting Thomases know it, I will be a powerful man of God!