P.s. I love you: I will live for you
By Andrew Pacutho:
I remember the first time I saw your tears. I was terrified.
That day was wonderful. We had spent the afternoon together as always and we had not argued about anything. You can be pretty strong minded sometimes, so not having to argue was great (I smile).
I remember we talked about so many things and then I said something about death and dying. Suddenly you started to sob, deep soul shaking sobs that shook your whole body. Instantly and without thought I took you in my arms and thoughts of what could have made you sad raced through my mind.
Your tears burned hot and wet as you buried your head in my neck and held on tight. I could feel you trying to stop but you could not. You were trembling. I wrapped my arms tighter around you. I was just as worried as I was afraid.
Your sobs finally subsided and the trembling reduced enough to allow conversation. I looked into your eyes and saw fear and sadness like I had never seen before. You wiped your nose and tried not to look too dishevelled and opened up a whole new area of your life.
Death was something you had seen before. It robbed you of those close to you. You had learned to love with passion and fierceness but had learned to fear the loss of those you loved. To hear me speak of death and dying had broken a seal on that fear and brought it all to the top
I kicked myself mentally several times. How could I be so stupid, so dumb and so insensitive? I knew your story of loss and here I was making light of it.
I learned that I needed to make it all about you as much as I could. That true love, true manly love would be one that bore in mind your needs, hopes and ambitions and that in this one case I would do everything in my power to dodge and cheat death because to give in would be cowardice and failure on my part; and more than that it would cause more pain to you than I could imagine or even allow.
I realised that I would dare all that would become man, and more. That I was to stand and defy death for as long as I could or at least until you could face it with bravery and poise. That I would hold back the flood and not give in until you, my love, could face it as well. And that as long as you were not able to I would not give up, give in or back down.
I learned that love was not meant to be selfish but selfless. That day I learned what it meant to live for someone. Babe, I will live for you.
P.S I love you