Illusions of a Bachelor, Series

Illusions of a Bachelor: The Dotcom Boy

By Aaron Aroriza:

Last weekend I attended a friend's kwanjula (traditional marriage give away ceremony). In Baganda culture, the groom gives chicken to the bride's brother as a thank you note.

The groom was a Muganda who has grown up in the UK. When he spoke Luganda, you could almost think he was speaking English. When he spoke English, well, you would be forgiven for thinking he was lip singing. Lucky for us all, he didn't have to say a lot. He just had to say a few words to the bride's brother before handing him the chicken.

When the time for getting the chicken out of its cage came, dear groom couldn't handle it. His best-man delegated himself for the job of handing it to the bride's brother. I couldn't help but think “My friend is getting married to a man who chickens out on chicken!?!”

In the meantime debate was still raging hot on Brian Bwesigye's face book wall about my dotcom girl article. Some ladies were complaining that I had been one sided and they put up some good argument to show that dotcom boy wasn't any better. Of course dotcom boy isn't any better.

Seeing a soon to be husband who dreaded chicken didn't help matters. Gone are the days when men were men. Real, live, masculine men with a manly will.

Dotcom boy will not be brave enough to hit a snake on the head should it somehow attack his girl but he will have the bravado any day to hit his girl on the face should she hurt his ego!

Cockroaches scare him. Rats spook him. Women used to get married so that, among other reasons, they could get protection. But what protection do you get from a man who screams at the sight of a mere roach and scampers into hiding at the mention of a rat?

He will borrow your car, use your credit card, move into your house and take over your T.V remote control. At first you don't have to worry about him because he can survive a whole weekend in the house alone in his boxers, with movies /series and a remote in his hands. He has little time for you because he has created another small world for himself. He always goes their via play station.

Judging from dotcom boy's pierced ear one would imagine he has some marriage experience since he has already had a taste of pain (piercing the ears) and also gone through the hustle and trouble of buying jewelry. You think 'cause he is cute he will make a good husband, a good father! The joke is on you. Dotcom boy is just only good for sperm donation!

But then dotcom boy has learnt those three little words that endear him to most dotcom girls;

“You're not fat”.

With these words he gets himself so many phone numbers and every time the thought of marriage crosses his mind, as Helen Rowland puts it, “It isn’t tying himself to one woman that a man dreads when he thinks of marrying; it’s separating himself from all the others. “

So dotcom boy dreads marriage not because he thinks marriage is bad but because he knows for a fact that marriage will strip him of the legal freedom to teleport himself into multiple hearts whenever he chooses.

Marry him if you will, but please, please wait till he is 'fifty'. At 'forty nine' you can still rightly call him boy; he hasn't matured enough to be called a man!

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