Illusions of a Bachelor, Series

Illusions of a Bachelor: Heaven sounds boring

By Aaron Aroriza:

One time I asked a born again friend of mine what he expected we would be doing in heaven; his answer, “Praising and worshipping God!” I don't mean to be cynical but really?! Sing and dance and throw our arms in the air for eternity?! I was in form one then (first year of secondary school) and realised heaven wasn't custom made for me. I hated singing with a passion – music class was hell on earth for me. I didn't exactly like dancing either – I'm a very clumsy dancer, even God wouldn't be impressed. Neither do I like showering praises to anyone – I just like to pat people on the back and hug them!

Yes, just like you've already guessed, today I won't be writing about Milly, Helga or Pastor. Helga got onto the reader's café website some few weeks ago and called me shortly afterwards telling me we needed to talk. We haven't talked yet but I have a feeling she used bad grammar. She must have meant “We need to meet and I talk to you, whining and whetting while you just sit there, not a word from your mouth, listening like a retard,” and frankly am not looking forward to that day.

What I'm looking forward to though is my Christmas holiday. I always look forward to it because it's the only time I get to go to my village. You see, the reason I always want to go home for Christmas is so that I can spend time with my friends and family. And I have a recurring suspicion, that's the exact reason why I would also love to go to heaven; re-unite with friends and relatives! And that's where my whole dilemma stems from.

I don't remember any friend that has departed who had what the bible requires for one to get to heaven, neither does my memory serve me any of the relatives I've buried having the prerequisites! The bible says in John3:3, Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, unless you are born again, you cannot see the kingdom of God”. Well, I was born lucky. I was born into a Christian family which exposed me to the bible and to Jesus making it quite easy for me to get born again. Most of my friends, who by the way are some of the better people I've met in this world, are quite 'unlucky' and were born in Muslim families which makes it extremely hard for them to even think of getting born again. I have not succeeded at all in converting any of them and they are such good people that I sometimes wonder why they would even need to convert in the first place. They seem to be doing quite well with their faith. If they died today however, they wouldn't be going to heaven – so says my bible.

Then my relatives….sigh! By the time my great great grandfather died, he didn't even know the bible existed. Poor guy had no chance of getting born again, and that was about nineteen centuries after Jesus had descended to hell and preached to those that were trapped. I hope my descendants who died between the time of Jesus' resurrection and the time Christianity made its way to their villages will be given a second chance somehow. Otherwise they too don't have heaven as their home!

Every time I make a quick summary, especially after reading a few verses in my bible, I conclude that I don't have any relatives or friends in heaven. Neither do I have many relatives and friends alive now who are strong candidates for heaven.

So what will I be doing in heaven?! Sing, dance, worship and praise God with people (holier than thou born again brethrens) I've never even looked forward to spending 30 minutes with while on earth! That would be my hell in heaven.

Ah, there's something else. I will be able to see the golden gates of heaven. I will be covered in so much gold and splendor. That should cheer me up except that gold isn't something I adore even in my current life. Luxury isn't something I aspire to. Give me a good laugh with friends; give me freedom to be myself any day and that would be heaven to me!

Now you know why I'm not looking forward to going to heaven. I think I would be bored there and maybe I might rebel and end up getting sent to hell anyways like Lucifer was, long before we lived. Either someone painted the wrong picture of heaven for me or I'm just possessed by a demon. The latter would be much easier to deal with and I'm not so worried about it. All I would need is just a strong prayer from an anointed one and the demon would flee in terror. With the former however, I would really need to re-calibrate my whole imagination and that, might not be such an easy task.

For now though I will try to live my life in such a way that I won't feel the need for another life that is eternal after this one has expired. I will be grateful to the lord and always thank Him for this life he has given me and I won't ask for another after I've mis-lived this one. I will wake up in the morning watch the sunrise, bask under the sun, run in the rain, appreciate the sweet aroma of dry soil as the first drops of rain in a dry season fall onto the ground, smile whenever, smile at my troubles, give whenever I have and give whatever I get, love without hope and hope without ceasing, laugh with my friends, give a shoulder to lean on, give plenty of time to loved ones, cry with passion when I have to, write whatever I think, say whatever I write, watch the sunset and sleep whenever the brain demands.

And when my last lie comes, as it inevitably will, I won't ask God for another rise that would give me eternal life. I just want to ask for a peaceful last horizontal lie. Is that so much to ask or is it just another delusional illusion?

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