Illusions of a Bachelor, Series

Illusions of a Bachelor: The Dotcom girl

By Aaron Aroriza:

Helga made a rather ambitious New Year resolution; she wants to own an Audi before the year ends. I was impressed until she told me she had set me a resolution too, then I got depressed -her resolution for me is to buy her the Audi. What?!  And there are dire consequences if I fail in 'my resolution'.

When she told me we needed to talk I had no idea that's the subject she would be bringing up. And no, 'we' didn't talk; it was just a Helga monologue. I need to call Milly. At least with her 'we' can have a conversation. Ah, but she's still not convinced I had nothing to do with her fiancé. Can you believe her?

There is a time when our billboards in Uganda were covered with adverts against cross-generational sex. That seems so yesterday. There's a new campaign these days, the GENEXT. “We want everything and we want it right now,” the new generation says. That's what is filling our bill boards now. I know they are trying to advocate for smaller families but the catch phrase also suggests something else. (Matter of fact if a twenty five year old girl married a fifty year old man, they would naturally not have many kids)

Whereas the anti-cross generation sex campaign suggested it was immoral for a fifty year old man to park his car at a university girls' hostel, the GENEXT campaign seems to indirectly suggest that it is okay. I also think it is okay-we no longer have much of a choice anyways.  Because when you think about it, no one in their twenties is going to give these gorgeous hot blooded young girls everything they want.

And that's not all, the 'lady' doesn't know how to cook, can't even wash her own under wear properly, can't sweep, lay a bed, and because she never spent any time with senga (Advisory Auntie), she doesn't even know how to make proper love, give natural birth or even look after a baby. No, she doesn't know any of those nor even have a clue on how to sustain a relationship with an inexperienced man in his twenties, let alone a marriage.

She will get her husband arrested in a blink; drain his bank accounts so she can have fun with her girl friends (her married friends…lol).  She only knows 'stuff' she has watched in a soap opera. She forgets it's actually drama. She wants a macho man from Venus while she behaves like a pretty doll from hell.

Some people call some girls gold diggers… lol. Do we really still have any gold diggers? Is there any lady who still has the patience to go into a gold mine and dig? They want to go to a gold dispensing ATM and just press a button.  If you still call them gold diggers you are so yesterday my dear bachelor. You need to own a gold dispensing machine not a gold mine. Drop your illusions and style up!

Men used to marry so they could get a helper; so that their lives could be improved; so that they could earn respect in society.  Remind me again, why do young men get married these days?

Not that these young men are any good. They too no longer know how to treat a real lady. When they are not on play stations they are watching porn which gives them the illusion that a lady should be a gymnast in bed. He he…the moment they try this on a brat she gets sick with muscle pains for months. But even if they were real men and knew how to treat a lady, where on earth would they be found?!

When George Herbert, way back in the 17th century said, “He that is not handsome at 20, nor strong at 30, nor rich at 40, nor wise at 50, will never be handsome, strong, rich or wise”, he was almost spot on and if he had lived in my time he might have advised all his friends to wait and marry at 50. But then they would also have to still bear all those traits at that age. Today's girl wants you rich so that you can buy her everything she desires, wants you strong with well toned muscles so that she can enjoy her marital obligations, wants you handsome so that she can be the envy of her girl friends.

She wants a thirty year old man with a twenty year old body and a fifty year old man's bank account.

Like the GENEXT advert says, she wants everything and she wants it right now. She doesn't care whether you are wise but you will need the wisdom for your own sake so that you are able to judge which girl will least hurt you.

But they've mastered one thing at least and it always melts my bachelor heart. They know how to look pretty and sexy. And for this reason we shouldn't give up on marrying them.

If I were to evoke Socrates' and George's ghosts and add my soprano voice, we would probably sing a chorus for all our dear bachelors; “By all means marry a girl but please, please wait till you are fifty.”

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