Illusions of a Bachelor, Series

Illusions at the Cafe

By Aaron Aroriza:

There's a soccer review of great goals on one of the screens in the café. One goal catches everyone's attention and for a moment everything in the café seems to freeze. A bare footed young boy called Nick Twinamatsiko scores a goal which everyone in the café, including me agrees is the greatest goal ever scored. And as he masterfully executes those back flips in celebration, we can't decide which of the two is a greater marvel; his skillful celebration or his fairy tale goal.

I'm still basking in glee when I see our Budapest friend Bwesigye Brian clad in a Kanzu making a power point presentation to an all white audience. The people in his presentation are jumping up and down with so much energy in what I at first think is an attempt to dancing but as Brian later demonstrates, it is actually an attempt to win over the hearts of the opposite sex. He quickly wins himself a heart and goes ahead to show us how 'sex was played' in the old days. Nice presentation Brian, bravo!

I notice Cynthia Ayeza distributing big sized aspirin tablets to all the young girls who have been watching Brian's presentation. But these girls don't swallow the aspirins. They instead hold them in between their thighs.

I try to ask the lady who is seated on the next table what these aspirins are all about. She pulls a chair and comes to my table. I'm glad that she wants to enlighten me about these tablets, but she has other ideas. Its lunch time and I've been served fish fillet. She spreads her hands over my plate and murmurs some enchantments “Kiglosha kiglolitto kay”. My fish is suddenly filled with bones. She smiles teasingly and says “My name is Gloria Kembabazi and I don't like guests who ask so many questions.”

But why spoil my fish with bones?! A question I don't have to chew on since two lovely ladies are coming my way. They want autographs! Could they want the fish too? 'Cause all my hunger is now gone. Thanks to my number one fans, Racheal and Jolly.

Fans! Who the hell am I? “The bachelor”, goes the instant answer “or so you used to be!” Okay I get that but where the hell am I? “You are in cot dom city old man and you've just opened…oops walked into the reader's café web block. Isn't life in 2050 very interesting gramps? Can you believe you are seated in your wheel chair back in Uganda and yet here you virtually are in Cynthia's reader's café in South Africa?”

The first thing that crosses my mind is the porn sites. Can one walk to those ones too? “Oh yes. That's where all the cot dom kids spend their entire holidays these days.” And Brian's presentation comes back to mind. It was a power point presentation yet he easily walked into the projected Kabale cultural centre, won a girl's heart and instantly brought her to Budapest where he went on with his demonstration.

I decide to move out for fresh air – I need it for I can't comprehend this cotdom city. Back in the day we used to call it a global village of the dotcom era. And we just opened pages not walk into them!

The garden outside the reader's café is indeed beautiful. I see an old man with grey hair meditating in the garden. I walk over and ask him how I might have ended up here and why. Without opening his eyes he says “I am not an expert, I haven't arrived, I don't have all the answers. I actually have more questions and that's what makes this great. A place to ask those questions we're afraid to voice and to find those answers together.” By place I surmise he means reader's café and I think he still thinks he is an apprentice. But where the hell is the master?

My eyes zero on a wild flower with a yellow middle and white petals in the middle of the garden. There's something about it that reminds me of 2012. I just can't get my fingers on it and neither do I have the time to try and remember. Someone is tapping me and telling to wake up? I wake up to a blurry figure of a face over me. It begins to take shape as my eyes adjust to the gleaming rays of light – a pretty, innocent, naïve, smiley face!

“Today is your 50th birthday and you slept like a baby last night. Nay, you went to bed as a boy and woke up as a man. So tomorrow is your wedding day.” Tomorrow might be my wedding day, I made it to 'manhood' alright but if it's my 50th birthday then we are still in the 2030's. Is this a vision, an illusion or just simply something I shouldn't try to reason?

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