Paper and Ink, Series

Hello! Goodbye, Jerkface (3)

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By Emmeline Bisiikwa, Uganda:

It has occurred to me that maybe I shouldn’t have been so excited that day when we seemed to be on the same page and at the same place in our lives. I couldn’t help my excitement when our paths crossed and seemed to be heading down the same road. It finally seemed like it was time for our story to start and I was ready to go the whole way to the altar with you

We spoke for days and nights, rediscovering what we liked about each other and sharing our days. You texted, I called, we spoke right before sleeping and still it was amazing. You were considerate, asked where I stayed and suggested that I move into your apartment. After all the guy leasing it paid rent late and it was nearer my workplace. You asked what car I would like to drive, that you were never around so didn’t use it anyway and I could use it during the week. I felt like Alice who had discovered a wonderland and it seemed you would care for me in every way. I felt safe and loved. You asked if I wouldn’t prefer something better, more feminine as I may not like your car that much. I said whatever worked for you is fine.

Finally you told me relationships were hard and we needed to be determined and sure. We needed to take this slow and put effort so it worked. I was okay with it, after all we had waited over 5 years and finally I felt like I was ready to be with you the way you deserved. You had a trip to Spain, and asked me to come along. I was excited and scared at the same time. But the practicalities kept on worrying me. How could I get leave? I couldn’t take leave that long. Did you really want me to come? But you had asked last minute. I worried and deliberated until I decided not this time.

Shortly before leaving, you started going silent. No messages or calls and no responses to my texts. I worried that maybe I had hurt you but reasoned that you would tell me, after all we were open with each other. Soon the silence went on longer than was normal and I knew something was wrong, I just didn’t know what.

Today, I saw your profile and you were celebrating the birth of your daughter. I felt sucker punched and I struggled to breathe through the weight on my chest. Although I had made peace with your silence, there hadn’t been enough time for you to meet someone else and have a baby. I have to come to terms with the fact that the whole time you were professing love and marriage to me, you had a wife that was expecting your child and neglected to loop me in.

I am a little confused as to whether you were married all these years you stuck by or whether it is a new development from when I left you the first time. A part of me hates you for raising my hopes and making me want a future with you that seemed to be everything I needed at the time. But another part is relieved cause it explains your silence.

I can?t believe after all this time our story has come to an ugly end. The lies and double life are something I would never have expected but maybe it was the perfect revenge. I have to get past this. So goodbye, jerkface.

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