Reflections

Paper and Ink: Femme Aimee (69)

paper-inkBy Emmeline Bisiikwa, Uganda:

'You are amazing.'

'Yeah . right.' So amazing that I wa

'You are amazing.'

'Yeah, right.' So amazing that I wasn't worth being more than a fling two years ago, I thought to myself.

'Don't you believe me?' he asked.

I sighed, 'You hurt me a lot in the past. I can't get past all that stuff in a split second.'

All the pain I went through at his hands welled up in my chest. I dint feel amazing, not even special or enough. I felt like a husk that was missing something, everything possibly.

'I know. I am sorry. It had nothing to do with you. I actually cared about you. I still do. You were my queen.'

He sounded like he really believed his words. I searched his eyes, looking for something that would tell me all the pain had been for nothing and that maybe he was being honest now. Maybe back then it was wrong but now it would be different. I forced my thoughts to remain static, afraid to think of tonight, tomorrow and what it meant for us.

'No. I wasn't. You had all those other girls you used to parade around me.' One particular memory almost overwhelmed me in its eagerness to rush to the fore of my mind. The day you asked me to come see you, and your neighbor showed up. She was a young pretty girl on the brink of starting university. She held your hand and you played with her fingers right in front of me, and watching both of you, it sank in that you two were definitely not friends. I knew we weren't exclusive but it still drove a wrench through my heart back then.

'That doesn't mean anything. You were my main girl. The rest were just a phase. You still mean a lot to me, even now.' I tried not to let myself feel or think anything. He had hurt me before; it was possible to hurt me again. By not thinking, maybe I could stop myself from facing feelings I was far from ready to take on.

'Trust me. Please trust me and let's put this behind us.' I struggled to suppress my emotions. It hurt to think he had hurt me. That he might again. I didn't want to think about it, it was a bit too much.

He leaned in and took my chin in his hand. He looked deep into my eyes then kissed me. It felt like the beginning of a lifetime. When he kissed me, it felt like hello and goodbye all at once. Atoms that didn't know they were energized awoke and started moving, causing tingles and sparks in my skin. When he kissed me, it felt like constellations aligned so I could watch the stars. Two parts of a whole collided and stayed stuck together.

My mind fled because I couldn't deal with the fact that this might be it; my forever. My heart thudded and my soul sang. I was home!! I was scared out of my mind. All that run through my mind as he kissed me was let him not be the one. I could deal with a fling; I couldn't deal with him being the one. I wasn't ready for forever with someone that didn't have his life sorted out. The plan was meet the guy who had the world at his feet, not the one coasting through life and bending with the wind. Plus he had hurt me before, what if he did so again? The kiss went on and on, it was the best of times and the worst of times.

It is worth being more than a fling two years ago, I thought to myself.

'Don't you believe me?' he asked.

I sighed. 'You hurt me a lot in the past. I can't get past all that stuff in a split second.' All the pain I went through at his hands welled up in my chest. I didn’t feel amazing, not even special or enough. I felt like a husk that was missing something, everything possibly.

'I know. I am sorry. It had nothing to do with you. I actually cared about you. I still do. You were my queen.' He sounded like he really believed his words. I searched his eyes, looking for something that would tell me all the pain had been for nothing and maybe he was being honest now. Maybe back then it was wrong but now it would be different. I forced my thoughts to remain static, afraid to think of tonight, tomorrow and what it meant for us.

'No. I wasn't. You had all those other girls you used to parade around me.' One particular memory almost overwhelmed me in its eagerness to rush to the fore of my memory. The day you asked me to come see you, and your neighbor showed up. She was a young pretty girl on the brink of starting university. She held your hand and you played with her fingers right in front of me, and watching both of you; it sank in that you two were definitely not friends. I knew we weren't exclusive but it still drove a wrench through my heart back then.

'That doesn't mean anything. You were my main girl. The rest were just a phase. You still mean a lot to me, even now.' I tried not to let myself feel or think anything. He had hurt me before; it was possible to hurt me again. By not thinking, maybe I could stop myself from facing feelings I was far from ready to take on.

'Trust me. Please trust me and let's put this behind us.' I struggled to suppress my emotions. It hurt to think he had hurt me. That he might again. I didn't want to think about it, it was a bit too much.

He leaned in and took my chin in his hand. He looked deep into my eyes then kissed me. It felt like the beginning of a lifetime. When he kissed me, it felt like hello and goodbye all at once. Atoms that didn't know they were energized awoke and started moving, causing tingles and sparks in my skin. When he kissed me, it felt like constellations aligned so I could watch the stars. Two parts of a whole collided and stayed stuck together.

My mind fled because I couldn't deal with the fact that this might be it; my forever. My heart thudded and my soul sang. I was home!! I was scared out of my mind. All that run through my mind as he kissed me was let him not be the one. I could deal with a fling; I couldn't deal with him being the one. I wasn't ready for forever with someone that didn't have his life sorted out. The plan was meet the guy who had the world at his feet, not the one coasting through life and bending with the wind. Plus he had hurt me before, what if he did so again? The kiss went on and on, it was the best of times and the worst of times.

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