Paper and Ink, Series

Paper and Ink: Femme Aimee 63

By Emmeline Bisiikwa, Uganda:

Your phone call was surprising, but not so much because every few days you kept sending a text or two letting me know this was a misunderstanding and we could work things out. I thought this phone call was about that. I had told you I didn't want to see you. This time you took a new tact, asking if I was home and saying you were a few minutes away. I decided I might as well tell you to your face why it wasn't working for me.

It started raining shortly after your call and I knew that meant a delay in your arrival. When the rain stopped and you still hadn't showed up, I called to ask when you would come. You let me know you were still eating. At that point all the resentment I felt for you welled up. How dare you make me wait like I had nothing better to do with my time? During the time that we dated, you disregarded my time and acted like seeing me was a favor you were doing for me. I was thoroughly fed up with being left to wait all day for a visit, being stood up without prior notice and your basic lack of communication skills.

So I just told you I wasn't going to be around all weekend. It took you a while to respond but when you did, you said you weren't trying to change my mind or anything, just wanted to pick up a few receipts.

I didn't know whether you meant it or if it was an excuse to come see me. What I did know was I didn't have the energy to wait indefinitely or postpone to anytime soon and ruin my weekend. I had no energy left to fight you, see you, and talk to you. It hurt that each time I had desperately reached out to you, you just pushed me away and acted like nothing was wrong.

I am beginning to sound like a broken record but that's really what we had. A repetitive loop of what you didn't do, and what you weren't willing to do, and I letting it slide till all I had left was bitterness and resentment.

Everything I did for you, everything I said, and everything I hoped for; all that was just a dream down the drain. I decided it's time for me to be selfish. I have been putting you first and compromising for you for a long time, right now it's time to care for me. I don't have to indulge you or accommodate you; it is my life after all.

It feels good to take my power back. To do what I want that is best for me and not worry about hurting your feelings. I am becoming the phenomenal woman I was meant to be; strong enough to say no and hopefully someday I won't have to even explain why I say no. I am passionate, controlled and coming into my own. A new version of me that I love.

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