Paper and Ink, Series

Paper and Ink: Femme Aimee (54)

By Emmeline Bisiikwa, Uganda:

The number of times I wake up lately, in the throe of yet another dream about you, are becoming ridiculous. The dreams are a variation of delusions such as me still being with you, you not doing all the things you did to mess me up or the worst – you hurting me again. They usually end with a conversation where I pour out my heart telling you am glad we got past everything or telling you how much you hurt me and I will never forgive you but each time, they end right before you respond to my monologue.

I guess dreams must be related to karma too. I was talking to a friend and he thinks you are my block. Basically I am not over you and no matter how much I hate you, I still love you so I am sabotaging my current relationship because I think he could hurt me as much as you did.

Another formerly close friend told me he thinks I need therapy to get over you otherwise you could hold me back from future happiness.  He said he felt I was hurting and bitter and resentful and I needed help letting go.

These two people have never met, so it's worrying. Is there such a thing as channeling heartbreak and not being over someone?

The worst part is I know am not over you. You keep cropping up in my thoughts, dreams, memories and fantasies and all I can think about why you won't leave me alone. You aren't dead yet and already haunting me like a poltergeist, seemingly trying to hurt me for no reason.

When I was with you, I remember telling you I didn't know how to live without you. Back then it probably sounded cheesy but am beginning to learn the hard way that I haven't lived without you for a while. You are in my thoughts as I wake, in my memories triggered by innocent acts around me, and in my dreams when I sleep.

My heart beats for you, stops beating for you, and belongs to you even after you threw it away. The first time it sank in that I had lost you, I was paralyzed by pain. I couldn't breathe, and I panicked. It hurt so much and I couldn't leave bed because I was mourning for you, me and us. Eventually, I found distractions and the pain decreased.

If I could rate the pain I felt at the time, it would probably be a ten on a scale of 1-10. It hurt that much. And now, I realize that wasn't the most pain I will feel. I still break out in tears every time you change your profile picture to your new girl. I still wake up feeling like I can't breathe when I realize I don't have you to talk to, hang out with and love. I still hurt over everything you did to me.

I can't live without you. I didn't lie then. I still don't know how not to think about you. How not to miss you especially when I think of how much time we once spent together and that we shall never be together again. I remember wanting to share news with you and how excited you would be. You believed in me. I miss that. I miss my cheerleader and friend.

I don't know if a day will come when I don't ache with the pain of not having you, not knowing how to un-love you. All I can say is, the pain is still a ten. Probably more.

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