Paper and Ink, Series

Paper and Ink: Femme Aimee (53)

By Emmeline Bisiikwa, Uganda:

I am having a weird flashback moment about the first time I came to see you.  I remember with disturbing clarity the way we cuddled and talked. What amazes me is how often I am having these flashbacks lately. It’s like I have these gazillion memories of you and they keep popping in my head triggered by something I cannot put my finger on. They make me remember what it was like being pulled into your orbit.

So, today here I am in the company of an amazing friend and all I can think about is the first day you held me. I remember you ran your hands all over me in circles and my skin was tingling all over. I felt like I was on the brink of something I couldn’t stop. You then asked what turns me on. Which was really weird because I definitely was already turned on even though I wasn’t going to tell you that.

From that day, I haven’t been able to resist you. Gosh, I miss you.

It feels like I was following some script but forgot my lines, or even breathing then somehow I forgot how to. Yes, that cheesy. We keep waiting for that person to complete us, and when they leave we aren't able to keep living the way we were accustomed to.

I have this tough love friend, who says only rely on you for happiness. So I am trying to use inner factors within me to keep me happy. Investing in my passions and dreams, because fulfilling them makes me happy.

I realized recently it wasn't exactly paradise for you. If it was, you wouldn't have moved on the way you did and when you did. The mind games too. What kind of person claims to love someone but plays mind games meant to hurt the person? A part of me died when I realized you weren't really serious about us despite two years or more that we spent together.

And now, when you tell your friends to tell me you miss me, I get angry. I know it's a sick twisted lie to see if I still love you. If I miss you. If am willing to give up my life again for you. And that is not going to happen.

Fool me once, twice, and never again. I just want to forget you and honestly mean that. Knowing you, loving you, being with you turned me into a scary person I couldn't recognize and never want to be again. Losing you, losing us, almost drove me over the edge.

I lost you and her. I don't know which hurt more, but I know I will never be that girl who believed in fairy tales and soul mates and happy ever after. I am not the girl who believed love conquers all and two people can work through anything.

Now, am blossoming into this new person who fights for what she wants and is determined to get it. I know that I will be everything I need to in order to be happy and definitely not giving up my dreams.

765 total views, 5 views today

Share this entry: