Confessions of a Social Pariah

Confessions of a Social Pariah: Government run on Whatsapp

By Spliph, South Africa:

Half if not all the time when I try to contact a government official or opposition party representative they are in never ending meetings or briefing the media somewhere. It is because of this that I sometimes wonder who is running this country, at what time and how exactly they go about it.

After months of hypothetical discussion I believe I have arrived at an epiphany. South Africa must be run on a social network platform, maybe Whatsapp. Allow me to explain.

I am of the opinion that the South African government is very active on social networks, they probably have a Whatsapp group humorously christened “Skeem Saam” by the group's administrator, Fikile Mbalula. He seems like the social type.

Daily group chats include riveting discussions of what everyone is having for lunch and how if Manto was still around the Friday turn-ups would be epic and not the bore they are since Aaron Motsoaledi assumed office. Speaking of Aaron, he must be the recipient of some strange questions. If the articles in newspapers are anything to go by, he must have sleepless nights.

Some of you might be thinking I am toying with the line here, you might be right but let me provide you with a scenario.

Take the new DA Leader Mmusi Maimane's apparent sexual escapades being widely reported (it is amazing how many government officials find themselves in such situations): He was probably in a meeting when the news surfaced. Mmusi being a charming charismatic man is not one to abandon meetings to attend to such salacious rumours.

It is then that I imagine Whatsaap comes into the picture. He probably received a text from the missus which read something like, “Mmusi, what is this that I hear about you?” To which Mmusi replied, “Pay back the money!!”

The follow up being, “Sorry love, autocorrect, what I meant to say was – those are all lies”.

I believe that Mmusi would make a good stand-up guy. However since he became a national information centre with hordes of people asking and him answering nonsensical questions on Twitter, I need conviction to rekindle my faith. Let me #AskMmusi: Hey Mmusi, what is a married man doing on social networks in the wee hours of the night?

As for the rest of the folks down at Luthuli house, the verdict is still out on a few people's nocturnal whereabouts.

I digress, I don't imagine Pravin Gordon as an active participant of Skeem Saam; he radiates a whim of being the strong silent type. He probably chooses to address people with rhetorical status messages.

That said could the number one citizen have Whatsapp? I wouldn't mind having a heart to heart with him there. The only problem would probably be how long he takes to respond to texts, if the man's pace of reading is anything to go by. I would probably be looking at the words typing for a good 30 minutes before seeing a short response.

In the words of Sathyandranath Ragunanan “Mac” Maharaj, I hope the above isn't received out of context. I believe the government is doing a great job in the country's administration. One thing though, the most effective way to get people to listen to Zuma's riveting State of the Nation Address was probably jamming their cell-phone signals.

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