Paper and Ink, Series

Paper and Ink; Femme Aimee (46)

By Emmeline Bisiikwa, Uganda:

It is two weeks now since I left. I didn't choose to leave you, all my choices were taken yet somehow I have to cope with being apart from you day to day. I go through the week hoping I will see you on the weekend, and when I do it is the highlight of my week. When I don't, I have to battle depression, overwhelming sadness and lethargy. I feel like parts of me were in hibernation waiting for the week to end so that I could come see you then come alive in your presence. I smother the things I was dying to tell you, the hope that fluttered in my chest that finally we could have moments together. Not seeing you forces me to shut off everything I feel because it takes too much of me to keep hoping, yet knowing I won't get to recharge and unwind and live with you.

This week is especially hard, you left too. You didn't choose to leave. Obligations forced you to go find yourself. I remember crying when you told me. Your words were, Why are you crying you crazy woman?

You couldn't tell that parts of me were breaking at the thought of you not being home when I needed you. It was only home for me when your energy and presence were there. You expected me to offer an alternative solution because you felt I was blaming you for leaving but honestly I couldn't hold you back from your life.

I am beginning to define life by the days I have you and the days I don't. Days with you are passionate, we talk, joke, take walks, watch something great or fight. Those without you are empty, I can't feel anything I should be feeling and I can't put on my game face for the world. I lack the energy to even think of doing anything; I simple sit and wait for you to reenter my world so I can live.

This weekend we planned to go house shopping again. You wanted a gorgeous rug and finally we have the money so we were going to go pick out something gorgeous for our living room. The options were exciting and on top of getting to see you, I would get to have something gorgeous in our living room. We recently moved to a bigger place and I had told you how excited I was for a floor to floor covering. I also have a penchant for smooth soft carpets you can sink in so was definitely looking forward to what you would settle for.

Your last minute cancellation didn't anger me as much as it broke my heart because now we won't get to see each other or shop what it was we wanted. I feel like the one thing I was looking forward to this week has been taken away and now I have to settle for just existing half aware of what is going on around me.

I haven't been able to sleep through a night all week. You haven't either. I console myself that maybe your conscience misses me as much as mine needs you. I tell myself it is hard for both of us and I shouldn't put pressure on you. It feels like there is a part of me screaming because I can't see you, touch you, be with you. It is so hard to wait two whole weeks or more to see you.

I am so afraid to hope that next week I might see you. What if something else comes up? Will I be able to live with another disappointment? Or is it easier to not look forward to anything so I can take each time we will see each other for the rest of the year as a gift? I hate the distance between us lately and I am looking for all possible ways to feel close to you when I barely see you. Texting helps even when we walk on eggshells because we don't want to talk about the things that hurt. I guess holding on and breathing in one day at a time will get me through this too.

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