Paper and Ink, Series

Paper and Ink: Femme Aimee 27

By Emmeline Bisiikwa, Uganda:

I hate fighting with you because somehow you haven't mastered the art of fighting. I keep waiting for you to show me you care or that you would fight for me but it kills me every time that you won't do that. It seems you are quite accustomed to hurting me knowing all you have to do is say sorry and just like that I will let you back in.

The last couple of months have been rough, probably because I am not being predictable. But somehow even when faced with the certainty of losing me that didn't bring you out of your comfort zone; I could only come to two logical conclusions: Either you don't love me or you are incapable of showing what you feel. Both don't work to my advantage because like always you will hurt me.

I keep hoping you will say the things I need to hear and do the things you once promised to do for me but never did because of your excuses but somehow even I know that is a lone dream that won't be fulfilled. I think you got too comfortable taking what you never had the chance to give, never realized that for a relationship to work there are equal parts – giving and taking. Instead you just wait to consume more and more until am depleted, not thinking for one second that I too need to get something in order to replenish.

I feel so empty from giving you all there was to give. I resent you for being a coward. What I feel is that for you this wasn't love, you simply used me as a crutch. Something to keep you up when you were weary or sad or weak but not a part of you and certainly not something you were proud of.

Just necessary, convenient, temporary.

I guess am back to the point where I know that I need to put me first. Him trying but not even giving it his best shot to get me back is just a desperate attempt for comfort and convenience and letting him back in will bring me back to this place. I guess right now it is time to get some new hobbies and reinvent myself. Figure out who I want to be instead of remodeling myself into a version of me someone is supposed to appreciate but instead takes for granted.

I am counting down to the start of a new me, someone that is comfortable being by themselves and doesn't feel the need to compromise in order not to be alone. It is pretty hard when he keeps texting and pretending he wants to check on me yet he is probably just making sure am still not over him and that I am waiting for him to plead his case so we can go back to the destructive mess we got ourselves into.

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