Paper and Ink, Series

Paper and Ink: Femme Aimee (19)

By Emmeline Bisiikwa, Uganda:
I guess its official now; this is the worst holiday ever, the Easter I got my heart broken. It started like all cliché movies, with a girl's stupidity. See, I thought if I wanted something, it meant we wanted something. It must have been the lies that what I wanted mattered, that I was important, that I was special. Joke's on me and I'm still waiting for someone to come out and say I got pranked or something. Somehow it hasn't sunk in yet that I let me down. By letting someone in and giving them the power to hurt me was my fault.

I thought we were in love, that illogical place where newlyweds and psychos go. That place where you think the world revolves around your partner and just for a second you forget that you matter. But you somehow lose yourself in someone's life and get sucked into their orbit and forget that you have a life too. Two lives can never become one that's for sure.

I thought we needed a holiday. So I make all the plans and assume that just once he won't frustrate my plans. How hard can it be to sit in a car, drive to a surprise location, sleep somewhere cool and not have to worry about anything for an extended holiday? Instead I heard the usual excuses – I am tired, I need to rest. And then the even more annoying question – where are we going? Wait, am supposed to beg for a holiday too? So unbelievable. Or maybe just blindness. Me being so desperate to believe that something that didn't exist did. I can't believe I let myself get hurt again.

I have so many conversations going on in my head: like how I should have said things differently, or maybe just kept quiet and not set myself up to be hurt. I regret believing that it was something real 'cause now it just feels like a lie. I can't tell what he meant and what he said just to keep me around. But even that doesn't make sense, isn't it easier to let someone go if you don't want to be with them anymore?

I have to learn how to be alone by myself all over again. I don't want to let anyone have the power to tear me to pieces by the things they can't do even when they know how much it matters to me. This just brought to the forefront how many times he has let me down. I don't see the point of complaining, fighting, crying, when nothing is going to change. Sometimes you have to learn from the pain and just stop lying to yourself about things not meant to be.

It kind of gets old listening to excuses for why someone can't do a single thing you need and yet they keep lying to you that what they feel is love. I don't see how it is possible to deliberately cause pain to someone you care about. In fact if pain is the default action then that is definitely not care you feel.

I don't believe in excuses, or love, or lies. It just feels like too much work to do his job of telling myself what he meant and didn't mean, what he said and forgot to say, what I need and should be. I guess it's time to be a big girl and take control of my happiness. It is my life, time for my rules to apply.

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