By JJ Mponye:
Going over last night's events reminds me of one popular English saying, “Never count your chickens before they hatch”.
We had not been intimate for quite a while. A month perhaps. And frankly I was as hungry for it as a starved pregnant lioness would be for game. My appetite was roused by some cute little models in a car commercial that came on after the 9:00 pm news. I decided to abandon the TV and rushed to the bedroom to catch Tricia before she dozed off. Fortunately, I found Tricia busy trying on clothes and packing them into her little travel bag. “Trish, are you travelling again without informing me?” I asked.
“Oh come on honey, I told you about the Mbale workshop three weeks ago! Besides I am sure you still check my diary so what's the fuss?” Tricia said as she walked over and pecked me before turning around like a model on a catwalk.
Tricia isn't exactly beautiful. But, like an abstract painting, she has a couple of features here and there that distract you from her flaws creating an impression of indescribable beauty. Against the background of a dimly lit room, Tricia's slender and delicately curved body in a transparent night dress would make any model die with envy and the most devout priest suffer with lust. I watched as Tricia tried on a couple of sexy nighties while doing the occasional catwalk. “I want to punish you before I leave for Mbale”, Tricia threatened as she slipped into the last nightie. I knew I was finally getting lucky.
I quickly tossed the duvet aside and, as if on cue, Tricia threw herself on the bed. I lay down beside her and for a moment we looked like two naughty teenagers about to discover the evil pleasures of fornication but unaware of how to proceed with their sinful act.
“Honey, is it true that Monica is more beautiful than I am?” Tricia asked. By this time my mind was a miles ahead. My eyes were fixed on her pointed nipples standing firmly on her pear shaped breasts that were pressing seductively against the transparent nightie. I wanted to nibble at them. I wanted to rip it off. As I edged closer to her, Tricia pushed me away angrily. “First answer my question JJ.”
“Oh, Ah. Yes of course”, I said as I pushed towards her bosom. I am used to Tricia always asking if she is more beautiful than any of her friends. And I was sure I heard the words 'more beautiful' in that question. Answering in the affirmative always works like instant foreplay.
But not this time!
“What?! I can't believe this. Get off me. Go. Go f**** her then”, she said almost breaking into tears.
“Tricia, what? Who? Go f**** who? Come on honey don't spoil this moment!” I pleaded.
“Monica! You said she is more beautiful than I am. Why don't you go and have 'the moment' with her?” she said while tossing her head with an adolescent's attitude.
True, Monica is beautiful. In fact very! But I would never in my right mind admit to that. At least not to Tricia.
“Tricia, I am honestly very sorry. You got me wrong.”
“No I didn't. I know what you said.”
“Yes you got me wrong. Okay, I admit I heard you wrong. I thought you asked whether you are more beautiful than Monica. I swear!”
“Yes”, I said as I moved over and held her in my arms. “Yes you are more beautiful. I can't even believe you asked that question! Why would you compare yourself to a mere maid? Why? You are the most beautiful woman; In my world.”
“How come you never tell me that I am beautiful? Must I always force this fact out of you in moments like this?”
I ignored the questions. Sometimes it simply helps to look at her very attentively: half sorry and half stupid.
“You know JJ. Some of my friends think that Monica is a very beautiful girl. They keep telling me that it is dangerous for me to have her as a maid. More dangerous for me to even keep on leaving you at home with her whenever I travel. They have warned me a couple of times that you could be tempted or seduced…”
“Seduced?! Ha ha ha! I Dr. John Jr. Mponye might get seduced? By the maid?! Tricia, you surely know me better than that. ”
“What do you mean? That you can't be tempted?
“Well of course I can. Any man can. We all get tempted. That is what keeps the devil busy. But any man worth his salt can fight the temptation and keep his zipper up. If he wants to! Tricia, do you mean you don't trust me?”
She stared at me and said nothing.
“Why do you always bring up such crap when we are going to have sex?” I asked angrily. “Sex?! Did you just call it sex?! Like I am a whore?!” Tricia shot back.
“Love! Making love! You know what I meant Tricia!”
“Well, to me sex and making love are two very different things. And you aren't getting either tonight.”
“I hope this is a game Trish. You are kidding me, aren't you?!”
“Honey, I am not in the mood anymore,” Tricia said as she turned her back on me.
From experience, I know it is easier to push a fully laden trailer up a muddy hill, single handedly, than getting Tricia 'back in the mood'.
I nudged her lightly with my knee, just a ritual check, and received the usual response: “PLEASE SLEEP!”
“Well, suit yourself. I am getting used to it anyway,” I consoled myself while pulling the blanket over my shoulders. “Maybe I should consider yielding into seduction from…” I mumbled angrily before she cut me short.
“The maid?! Bloody dog! I heard you,” she shouted back before jumping out of bed and banging the bedroom door violently sending vibrations through the walls. I didn't know where she was headed. And frankly, I didn't care. I was getting used to being shortchanged and needed to start thinking of better ideas for survival. I knew I had an entire week ahead of me.
Tricia left quite early in the morning. All I remember her saying was, “Enjoy your week.” She sounded rather sarcastic.
I walked out of the bedroom to a bare dining table: no tray, no flask, no cup and no bread. No breakfast! It was very unusual. Monica always placed my breakfast on the table before I woke up. This was strange. Was she alright? “Monica. Monica. Monica are you sick?” I called out as I walked over to her room. It was empty! The bed was well laid and the room neatly arranged. I left her bedroom and checked all over the house. There was no sign of Monica. All the doors were locked. I suddenly noticed that the keys to the house were neatly placed on the dining table. Then it hit me: Monica had just been fired!
I rushed to the bedroom, picked up my mobile and called Tricia.
“Honey, you have fired her, haven't you? I thought we had agreed never to fire the maid without warning”.
“JJ dear, I haven't fired her! I just took her to her auntie's place in Mbiko. She has always wanted to visit so I thought I could give her a free lift and the week off since I was heading in that direction”.
“What perfect timing?! Or is this all about last night's fight?” I asked. “Honestly Tricia, how am I supposed to survive for an entire week with no wife and no maid in the house?”
“Relax, my darling JJ! I am going to call Auntie Susan and ask her to come mother you for the week.” “Mother me? Don't be sarcastic. Who knows, she too might try to seduce me. I don't think she's had enough… ”.
“Oh, well then. It is very simple JJ. All your clothes are clean and ironed. Buy take away for supper and jerk off if you really can't hold it. Okay?”
“Oh get serious Tricia. You know I hate take-away. And besides…”
“Well then, you'll just have to survive the Moscow way,” Tricia said as she hung up. Obviously infuriated.
Tricia's initially well intended 'punishment', which would have lasted for a couple of minutes, has now evolved into real torture thanks to her useless and ill timed questions. That aside, I am determined never to count my chickens again before they hatch. At least not when Tricia is the mother hen.
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